True confession.

I do not have all my ducks in a row. Not in any area of my life.

I’ve been told that I can sound like I have it all together…and then people meet me in real life and come to see reality.

My ducks aren’t in a row when it comes to my personal life, family life, computer life, meal planning, health, fitness, housework, parenting, homeschool life nor my theology. I simply don’t have concrete thoughts or actions on it all. I might sound it, but I don’t. There have been times in my life when I mistakenly thought I had my ducks in a row in a particular area, like homeschooling. But then something will change and I’ll realise that I never did have it all under control…or maybe I did for that time, that season, that place. But life circumstances change. Right? Surely, at the very least, I would have my theology ducks all lined up in a nice, neat row eh? Ah! wrong again! Just when I thought I did- something happens and slowly I’ve come to see that I don’t even have a handle on that. (Yes yes, I can hear some of you giggling right now).

many times over the last few years, life has felt like this

Many times over the last few years, life has felt like this!

Would you believe that there was a time that I was firmly convinced that not all children who die would go to heaven? It just didn’t mesh with my theology. And then I had a child or rather I became a parent. My perspective changed. My circumstance changed. I was able to learn something through my experience. I learned something about the nature of God – God the Father. My understanding of God as Father changed, thus my theology ducks changed. Did God change? Nah, but I did.

I used to silently believe that there were certain things that my children would never do. I would look at other children/youth and think that my children would be different. I would parent them so as not to harvest ‘that’ fruit. And then I became a parent. Then my children grew and started going through puberty. Then my perspective changed.

I had many dreams or ideals. They weren’t wrong or silly, but my dreams didn’t allow for deviation, therefore I often found my inner self struggling to accept things that were often outside of my control. Maybe I dreamed or aimed too high but I don’t think so. I just need to have the Father’s heart in it all – I need a godly perspective in it all.

Over the last few years, I’ve had to realise and accept that I can tend to be a control freak…and when it hasn’t gone my way I can get myself into a real head mess. It ain’t pretty. But it happens because I let my dreams and ideals take a place in my life that they shouldn’t have. I was still looking at all the outward stuff – I’d created images of what I thought was good, pure, noble, worthy, family, relationships, etc. A good homeschool student, a good homeschool mum, a good, Christian wife, a good Christian family, etc. I was looking to others and to images that I’d built up or created in my own mind. I saw these images as good – having all my ducks in a row. While it was a dream, it was a good dream but rarely reality.

Looking back over the last 2 years I would have to say that my life theme was “I don’t have all my ducks in a row”. You know what? I don’t plan a theme- I usually discern it at the end of the year but I can’t help but feel that it will be the repeated theme for me this year. But that’s life! I can’t control everything, regardless of how much I try. I will make mistakes. I will learn new things. I will pick myself back up and try again. That’s life. And I praise God for every breathe that He gives to me.

But in the end, I know that this is us.

But in the end, I know that this is us.