I do not have all my ducks in a row. Not in any area of my life.
I’ve been told that I can sound like I have it all together…and then people meet me in real life and come to see reality.
My ducks aren’t in a row when it comes to my personal life, family life, computer life, meal planning, health, fitness, housework, parenting, homeschool life nor my theology. I simply don’t have concrete thoughts or actions on it all. I might sound it, but I don’t. There have been times in my life when I mistakenly thought I had my ducks in a row in a particular area, like homeschooling. But then something will change and I’ll realise that I never did have it all under control…or maybe I did for that time, that season, that place. But life circumstances change. Right? Surely, at the very least, I would have my theology ducks all lined up in a nice, neat row eh? Ah! wrong again! Just when I thought I did- something happens and slowly I’ve come to see that I don’t even have a handle on that. (Yes yes, I can hear some of you giggling right now).
Would you believe that there was a time that I was firmly convinced that not all children who die would go to heaven? It just didn’t mesh with my theology. And then I had a child or rather I became a parent. My perspective changed. My circumstance changed. I was able to learn something through my experience. I learned something about the nature of God – God the Father. My understanding of God as Father changed, thus my theology ducks changed. Did God change? Nah, but I did.
I used to silently believe that there were certain things that my children would never do. I would look at other children/youth and think that my children would be different. I would parent them so as not to harvest ‘that’ fruit. And then I became a parent. Then my children grew and started going through puberty. Then my perspective changed.
I had many dreams or ideals. They weren’t wrong or silly, but my dreams didn’t allow for deviation, therefore I often found my inner self struggling to accept things that were often outside of my control. Maybe I dreamed or aimed too high but I don’t think so. I just need to have the Father’s heart in it all – I need a godly perspective in it all.
Over the last few years, I’ve had to realise and accept that I can tend to be a control freak…and when it hasn’t gone my way I can get myself into a real head mess. It ain’t pretty. But it happens because I let my dreams and ideals take a place in my life that they shouldn’t have. I was still looking at all the outward stuff – I’d created images of what I thought was good, pure, noble, worthy, family, relationships, etc. A good homeschool student, a good homeschool mum, a good, Christian wife, a good Christian family, etc. I was looking to others and to images that I’d built up or created in my own mind. I saw these images as good – having all my ducks in a row. While it was a dream, it was a good dream but rarely reality.
Looking back over the last 2 years I would have to say that my life theme was “I don’t have all my ducks in a row”. You know what? I don’t plan a theme- I usually discern it at the end of the year but I can’t help but feel that it will be the repeated theme for me this year. But that’s life! I can’t control everything, regardless of how much I try. I will make mistakes. I will learn new things. I will pick myself back up and try again. That’s life. And I praise God for every breathe that He gives to me.