I am so alone
unable to speak with words, only groans.
I see the looks;
hear the whispers…

I turn to the left and sense the sighs. I hear the unsaid words,
“If only you had done this, or done that…”
I turn to the right only to see other parents pull their children away in fear
just in case it is infectious.

I look behind and see their looks of pity.
They know I see it but they choose to be aloof.
Yet I also sense fear in their eyes, “If it happened to them, will it happen to me?”

Blue eyes, brown eyes… ooze with thick, black condemnation
eyebrows raised, lips pursed.
Tsk, tsk…
Chiding me with every breath.

I turn around. Momentarily relieved to have found a place of rest.
Of peace,
an absence of condemnation or self righteousness…
But it is an illusion. Not real. It’s there, veiled behind music and smiles, preaching, prayers and Bible verses.

I soon learn and accept that all is not as it seems
This place – is filled with dark hopelessness and resignation
“Oh well, what can ya do?” and “Kids will be kids” and other such empty, throwaway lines…

I look forward…
look straight ahead…
to The One who knows and see all,
who is not bound by the earthly constraints of time and physicality.

I see hope.
He has her,
in His hands,
He will call her in his time.

This One.
He knows me,
knows what I have done,
where I have tried and failed.

Everything is in His hands,
not mine.
He has His purpose,
As if I could stop it.

No more control,
or shame,
or guilt
when I abide in Him and Him alone.

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