There was a time when I banned the word ‘teen’ from our home. Being that the concept of ‘teenagers’ is a relatively new phenomenon we wanted to avoid the whole drama that seems to be synonymous with those teenage years. But you may have noticed that I have changed. I dont’ avoid the word teen. I use it. What changed?
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen and nineteen.
Teen is in the word.
We have never embraced the typical teenage stereotype. It is and excuse to avoid maturity and responsibility and we don’t want to enable that. But being a teenager is more than chronological age… it is an attitude! But a true teenage attitude is a far cry from what society tells us it is. Avoiding a word isn’t going to make an awful lot of difference, in my opinion. Rather addressing the modern attitudes that define a ‘typical teenager’ will.
Today’s typical teenager will:
- rebel against their parents and all authority
- avoid responsibility
- forms stronger ties with friends rather than family
- and more. Much, much more.
And we, society, have come to accept this as normal. When and where did our expectation change? Society has adopted such a ridiculously low expectation of teenagers… this isn’t a word, it’s an attitude! We need to have higher expectations for our children during their ‘teen’ years and teach them that they can indeed rebel. They can rebel against the low expectations set by society!
Rather than tell my teens that they ‘can’t do this and they can’t do that’ I tell them what they can do – and the list is so much bigger!
I’ve had my eldest child join The Rebelution and now my 15yods is reading Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations. As my children got older and became teens I’ve tried to spend less time majoring on the words and more time discussing their purpose and possibilties with them. If you want to know more, you can start here with The Myth of Adolescence.
The bottom line for me is to call my children by terms that have high expectations… and after discussing what it truly means to be a ‘teen’ I feel quite comfortable in calling my young adults as ‘teens’. Barb Shelton has an interesting post on this topic. Check it out.
For me, the emphasis is on Concepts, not words. Ideas, not labels. Opportunities not avoidance. Possibilities not fear.
Susan, I am still 7 years off from having a teenager but an excellent post! I have time to still mull over this and decide what I will call her when she gets there:) This is one reason I read your blog – to learn from others ahead of me:) So thanks for this!
Hi Rosemary,
Always lovely to have you pop in. Regarding the terminology – I do think it is important… but knowing why we say what we do is even more important… and then letting our children know is vital.
Hehee, I’ve had a few people tell me that they read my blog because I have older children. I think that’s partly why I’ve stopped writing so much… I used to speak and write the first thought that popped into my head whereas I tend to try and think a lot more about something before I open my mouth now. Just remember (as I’m sure you will) that I’m human and make many mistakes… only God is to be trusted.
Hi Susan 🙂
My dd loves this book ‘Do Hard Things’. She has read it twice now, and is slowly passing it around the young people (dare I say, teens?) at our church. She is quite the little evangelist in this regard. I must say I loved that book as well – wish I could have read it when I was that age. When I tell my family and friends that we will have no teenagers in our house – I am referring to those ideas inherent in our typical teenage stereotype; the word teenager is so heavily laden with negative meaning. I guess what I should be saying is that we will have no stereotypical teens in our house.
I don’t have a problem with the term, as you say, so long as it goes along with more responsibility etc. The scriptures refer to youths and by that time they were expected to act in an accountable manner.
I sometimes wish I had the teen years again with my older ones. either that or that I had a lot more wisdom back then! But, as with every stage of parenting you live and learn.
Giood topic and post 🙂
Hi ruby, That’s the key isn’t it? not so much the word itself but the meaning, the ideas, the concept of that word. 🙂
This is so true – before my kids were even teens they couldn’t understand why they had to rebel (as per expectations of people around them) just because they grew one year older!
Do Hard Things and the Rebelution have been a great resource in our family. Jess is now reading their latest book – Start Here. The snippets she has read aloud to us have been very good.
We use the word ‘teen’ but we also use the word ‘young adult’ – whatever comes out! Our kids get into conversations where they try to help people see that there is a difference and it is all about choice!
Great post Susan.
Hi Belinda,
I actually taught my children when they were very young that they did not have to rebel… just because society expects it. It’s never to young to casually start mentioning those concepts in and around your daily discussions. I find that a shopping trip affords much discussion fodder 😉
Susan,
It has been a long time since I stopped by your blog & do I have a lot of catching up to do!
We have 5 teenagers, 19-14. We too have utilized the Harris family resources such as “Do Hard Things” In fact my 14 yr old & 12 yr old will be reading it this summer.
We have not allowed the “typical teenager” mentality in our home either & others notice a difference. I am not saying at all that our kids are perfect, but other parents who are struggling with their teenagers ask us all the time what are we doing. I just tell them, “They are believers and followers of Christ and that is how we treat them, not as teenagers.” We deal with bad attitudes and sin like we would with anyone else in our family, head on. We don’t tolerate their behavior because now they are a teenager. I really enjoy my teenagers & for years people told me it would be the worst part of being a parent. I am so blessed!
Hi dana,
yes- long time, no hear lol. I’m not sure I managed to follow you to your new blog so will pop over and visit you later on today.