Have you ever experienced a heavy weight but you didn’t realise how heavy until it was removed? That sums up my life all this year. I have previously shared with you a little of my journey through depression and my hard struggles but now I can honestly say…
I suffered with depression for several years
But it is only now, this year that I have truly realised and accepted it. And I can honestly say that through accepting it, healing has begun. I don’t know why I fought it for so long. Healing may have been quicker if I wasn’t so stubborn and independent. I know depression is real and valid for Christian people and I don’t have an issue with that. I simply thought that I could fight it, that I was stronger than that.
I am a person who sees the glass as half full but also sees it as half full of a caramel latte. I always try to look for the best in a given situation and I’m keenly aware that many of my concerns are first world issues. I try to speak positively, knowing how influential negative words are and how powerful our words and thoughts are to our entire being. I am self motivated, reliable, passionate and energetic. Or at least, I used to be.
I’ve had periods of feeling ‘down’ or blue or unhappy. Don’t we all? But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about something much deeper. Something I could not talk myself out of, wish away, juice myself better, exercise until the happy endorphins took over, or pray through. It just didn’t work that way. Heaven knows, I tried. But all my trying only seemed to make the issue worse.
I feel like my whole being has been encapsulated by a black hessian sack. Everything around seemed clouded by darkness, as though I were only seeing the world through little pin prick holes. I wasn’t seeing clearly nor hearing clearly. And I’m being real honest here. I’m not talking metaphorically but physically as well.
I felt lost, so hopelessly lost yet I knew that my faith in Jesus was real. And I trusted Him. I just couldn’t see, hear or feel clearly. Nowadays, I still feel like I have a hessian sack that encompasses me. But now it is a light grey sack with larger weave. I can see and hear more clearly. Some days are darker than others but this year there are more brighter days than dark ones.
How It Started
It won’t make a lot of sense without some history to provide the backdrop.
- Immediate [step] mum at age 18.
- Four children born two years apart.
- My own mum passed away only a few months after our youngest son was born.
- I started homeschooling just days after her funeral.
—> —> Life continues. —> —>
Then came:
- Teenage difficulties and prodigal child
- Constant moves (both house and state)
—> —> Rinse and repeat —> —>
Major lifestyle change as John went back into the army and we began our nomadic lifestyle, leaving friends and family behind. Four homes in a 3 years started to take its toll as we stopped going to church and making new friends. It was just all so hard to make new friends and find a church only to leave it a few months later. So I simply stopped trying and let the weeks morph into months and years.
By the time one of our children decided to forger her own path in life in 2005/2006 (I write about our journey with a prodigal here and here) we had lived in yet another two homes and two towns. No family, no close friends or mentors, no church family = no support. And so we went through the most trying time of our married life together but with no support whatsoever. We had no one. We felt totally alone. Even our homeschool and Christian friends seemed to shun us. I have never felt so totally alone in my whole life, as when our young child went for a prodigal walk. Had we been homeschooling in the same town for years it would have been different. Had we stayed in Strathalbyn all that time I know it would be different because we were all involved in the wider community, Church, homeschool and sporting groups. But that wasn’t our life. It wasn’t to be. We didn’t stay put. We moved and lost contact with everyone.
Homeschooling can be isolating.
Homeschooling can be isolating. It shouldn’t be and doesn’t have to be but eventually it became that way due to my life circumstances. In the early years, homeschooling was the opposite of isolating as I was a social butterfly! I created support groups. I made them happen. But after several moves, I became so tired and heart sick from moving that my emotions were wearied and I was empty. I just didn’t have it in me anymore to go out and make groups happen nor even to attend any that were already in existence. The constant moving really took its toll on me, physically, emotionally and mentally.
I always felt like it was a little better for John. It wasn’t better for him at all but it was different. He went out to work everyday and interacted with different people. Sure, they weren’t close friends or confidante’s but he would get out and away from the hurting drama and away from (what felt like) the constant scrutinisation of online, homeschool friends.
I will not blame homeschooling because I love the concept of home education. I cannot blame the Defence Force because it isn’t the DF’s fault. However, the combination of the two shaped my life so that it became the perfect environment for severe depression to set in.
So, homeschooling + defence life + prodigal youngster = Deeply Depressed Susan.
I still kept homeschooling and for awhile I retained my passion, but as depression engulfed me more, my passion for everything disappeared. I would have bouts of energy and I would work hard at trying to get better, get more energy. I’d start projects only to have them fall by the wayside later on, once the depression took hold and my energy levels drained. I felt like I had lost my voice. I felt like I wanted to share with others yet I also felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother and homeschooler. I felt like a failure as a Christian.
This may come as a surprise to some friends and many family members.
They simply didn’t see it because I learned to hide it and mask my feelings. After all, when you only see someone occasionally or at Christmas and they ask, “How are you?” do they really want to know that I am so tired I can barely get out of bed, that there is no light at the end of the black tunnel? That my whole life is running in slow motion yet I am still powerless to act in a way that impacts my own life? That every bone and muscle in my body aches compounding the chronic migraine headaches? I don’t think so. So I smile weakly and say, “I’m fine thanks. How are *you*?”
Fast forward to Sept 2012…
A dear friend was coming to stay with us for a week all the way from north Queensland. I was elated yet fatigued at the thought of all that energy required. I spent two weeks in bed, with bad migraines and fatigue and tiredness and aches and pains just before she arrived. I barely managed to clean the house two days before she got here. The two weeks in bed was a milestone for me. I finally accepted that I was not right. I didn’t know why or how I wasn’t but I knew I wasn’t and it was time to stop fighting it, and just accept it. Accept my weaknesses and limitations.
After Amanda’s visit I felt like it was time to start waking up. I still felt horribly fatigued but something clicked inside me – mentally and emotionally. I started looking toward the future. I compiled my resume, applied for a job, went for an interview, etc. I still struggled majorly with fatigue and tiredness, aches and pains. And I still do. But… the mental/emotional switch has flicked. There were also quite a few significant dietary changes I made at this time and I believe they have helped immensely.
During all this time, John had been away on course and injured his back. He has been on medication and generally having a pretty hard time of it all. Which means I have been too, in my own way.
Doctors have suggested Depression, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Adrenal Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and more… and I’ve had various tests for this and that. Who knows what came first? My mental/emotional state or the physical state? I do not know. But, I think I am on the tail end of it. I sense the fog has started to lift… I’m not there yet, I still have some ways to go. But I know one thing – through my acceptance of my weakness, healing and restoration is coming.
This may sound dreary but it is my real life. I will continue to write about depression but from the perspective of what has helped and contributed to my healing.
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live…
Deuteronomy 30:19
My dear Susan, tears here and reaching through with a big hug for you. It is just amazing the way God has used you to bless so many even when you yourself were so needy. May he continue to bless and heal. So much of what you have shared here overlaps my own experiences but I am not going to lay my own journey out here 🙂 I so admire your strength and continual commitment to pointing others to Christ. xx
Thanks Ruby,
We are all different… and I have always been an open book – sometimes too much so. Life has taught me to be a little more careful in that area but I always respect other people’s privacy. Thank you for commenting. 🙂
Without depression, David, by the Holy Spirit, would likely not have written so many Psalms along this theme. “Oh why art thou cast down oh my soul and why art thou disquieted in me?”
It is a human condition common to all which some are more prone to than others. The Lord Jesus himself experienced all our human weaknesses and temptation yet without sin. I’m sorry you were not supported by homeschoolers and church people at these times. Along with my family, my friends from both communities have been wonderful support over many dark years and openly embraced me when I suffered the devastation of a prodigal child.
” hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.”
(Psalm 42:5)
Yes, so true Ruby. I don’t blame fellow homeschoolers for not being there for us… I understand that they were scared and didn’t want my child’s attitudes and behaviour to rub off on their children – but it isn’t always that cut n dried. I think that the homeschool movement has grown a bit in the last several years. The earlier homeschoolers are like you and I, they are now grandparents. They’ve matured and don’t live in fear as much as they once did.
No, it was the constant moving – after awhile I just ran out of puff and couldn’t find the strength and energy to start all over again, thus leaving myself with no support base. My fault but I can’t say I would do things differently if I had a chance to re-do it. Because I only had so much energy.
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11-13 ESV
Amen!
You are one of the bravest women I know, the fact you can share speaks a depth and maturity that many dream of! I think tat too will be part of your healing…too many people/Christians refuse o talk about depression……brave and beautiful! I can only think my life is better and enriched by knowing you! Just love you Mrs P!!!!!!
Thanks Cathy,
Yes accepting it was hard… writing about it publicly is also hard yet also cathartic, cleansing. Depression is much more recognised and discussed in society today… but still not so much in Christian circles. ‘We serve a great God – surely it is not a good witness to be depressed?’ is the pervading thought. Or, ‘just think positive thoughts and it will all get better’. Or even worse, ‘you just need more faith’. But I see it differently. Maybe it is my ‘thorn in the flesh’… something that is with me that will allow me to grow and mature.
It doesn’t sound the least bit dreary, instead it sounds very familiar. And I think it very good of you to share all this, perhaps reaching out to others is one of the most difficult parts.
I look forward to reading more of your thoughts, God bless you 🙂
Hi Kelly, thanks for popping by! You have a lovely blog – I love your blog header!
So much of what you wrote resonated with me – the feelings of abandonment by one’s faith community and the homeschooling community, too, the paralysing depression and physical aches, pains and migraines. I’m glad you shared – as Christians and homeschoolers we need to realise how our actions/inactions affect others. I look forward to hearing more from you – such brave honesty.
Thanks for stopping by, Marina. I have wanted to write and share for so long… but fear would get the better of me. I already know that there will be friends and family members who will berate me for sharing publicly and for even admitting to myself that I have depression. But I don’t need to be fearful of man, only of God. 🙂
I understand why Christian homeschoolers might have wanted to distance themselves from us. They didn’t want our prodigal’s attitude and behaviour to rub off on their children. But honestly, even after all these years I don’t believe it works that way. I understand that bad company corrupts good company but somehow I don’t think that means all that some people think it means, in the context of raising children. 😉
Thank you for writing this. It’s somehow comforting that I’m not alone on this journey and there’s someone out there who “gets it”, who is currently able to put into words how depression feels. This was encouraging to read. thank you for being transparent
Hi ecosson, thanks for stopping by. I see we both like coffee 😉
I’ve not really looked up signs and symptoms of depression and I don’t read blogs by other people with depression so I don’t even know how others describe it – I honestly just wrote out a small part of how I feel most of the time. I hope you’re doing well – keeping clinging to The Cross. 🙂
coffee is wonderful 🙂 a hug in a mug! Looking up what other people have been writing about their experiences with depression has been helping me figure out how to verbalize what’s going on. It’s especially helpful to read it from a Christian perspective. God has been my anchor and is carrying me through this, even on days when it doesn’t feel like it. One thing He’s been teaching me is even though truth doesn’t always feel real, it doesn’t make it less truthful. There are good days and meh days and bad days and God is still good. Praying for you through this 🙂
Thanks ecosson,
Yes! You’ve got it. Truth is truth even when it doesn’t feel like it. And that is something I’ve had to learn, something we all need to learn as we mature. Our feelings aren’t bad per se, but they aren’t to be trusted. God’s Word is solid and true and can be trusted much more than our feelings. So preaching truth to ourselves is really important.
I didn’t used to put much stock in having to tell myself truth because I thought once I knew it it was solid and I’d be fine. Hehe, nope!
Susan, thank you for sharing! I read this the day you posted it. There is a lot in it (that I could have commented on) but my overwhelming thought at the time was that I just wanted to give you a big warm hug! I’ve come back to it again today and it’s still the same. ((((Susan)))).
My dear friend, you know I understand completely. I battled the same denial for years ( juicing, fasting, praying, deliverance ministries……. Etc etc etc) until I finally fell in a heap. Five years later and I feel good, the best I have in years. I’ve gone from 30mg of meds down to 10 and hoping to completely withdraw next year. I’ve learned a lot. I’m not superwoman ( duh) and although I love my own company having nobody to share my life with ( friends) is not good. I make time each week to catch up with friends even though my introvert self would sometimes rather be alone!!!! Yes depression changed my life but God turned a lot of the bad stuff around for good.
Now I watch sadly as my own dear daughter struggles with her own demons. She’s only 23 but already admits to suffering with extreme anxiety and panic attacks. So very hard and I’m trying not to blame myself.
Take care xxx