I recently had the most wonderful weekend when I attended the Mum Heart Conference in Newcastle. I was asked to sit on a panel, along with five other women. The audience had opportunity to ask the panelists any question and each woman had a minute or so to respond. I really like the idea of panels as the responses given are always so diverse. It really goes to show that there is no one right way. One of the questions asked was, “Have you found it hardest to be a wife or a mum?”
For some, parenthood and mothering may be very natural and intuitive. For others – maybe not so. When I married at 18 years old I was an instant mum to an adorable little five year old boy. My husband’s son. When I chose to say yes to my husband, I also chose to say yes to his son.
And that for me is the crux of my answer. I chose to marry John. I spent time with him, got to know him, enjoyed his company and chose to devote the rest of my life to him. He knows everything about me, has seen me at my worst… and he still loves me! I can be completely relaxed when I’m with him. He doesn’t look at me with judgement or condemnation even when I’m having a ‘flesh moment’. I can snap at John and he, being a mature, gracious adult, chooses to forgive me, and we move on. We enjoy similar hobbies and pastimes. I don’t get his sense of humour, and he sometimes annoys me no end but that’s part of a marriage. When I said ‘I Do‘ I was really saying that I choose John to be the instrument that God would use to refine me, to rub me the wrong way but ultimately, to grow me.
And then we had kids
Now don’t get me wrong. I loved my kids, and I still do. I love them to bits. But it’s different. I was a wife before I was a mum. Whereas I could totally relax with John, I had to be on my guard with this whole parenting gig. I have learned, and am still learning, the art of patience. I’ve learned to think before I speak. We all know that children will pick up on everything we say and question it. I’ve learned that even when I’m silent, my kids are always observing and learning.
With parenting, I’m expected to be the adult. It’s expected that I should be the mature one. I’m responsible for leading and guiding, for teaching. I’m expected to train and discipline. I’m supposed to be the example. The example of what? Everything that I want my children to be. I am also a representative of God. I represent God to my children. When I’m angry, yelling and throwing a hissy fit I am representing God the Father. When I choose to respond in love and gentleness, I am representing the Father. Now that is HUGE.
Mothering requires sacrifice, commitment, time, energy and diligence. All the time. These traits are not something that comes naturally to me. But I have learned to appreciate them, to practice them as it has been my hearts desire to reach my children’s heart with the grace of God, to show them His unfailing love.And so, I have found my role as a mother to be harder than my role as a wife.
What about you? What do you find harder – being a wife or a mother?
I agree completely Susan, if there is a problem to be resolved with my husband, it involves two adults discussing and working out a solution. I do not need to be thinking how to make it a teaching moment or have any responsibility for “bringing him up” that has already been done by his parents. He is my best friend and contemporary.
The only time when I feel parenting is easier is if he is really annoying me or is in the wrong about something (and won’t admit it). Then I would love to be able to pull rank and send him to his room or tell him what to do, However, that says more about my attitude than his, if I am feeling the need to control another adult I really need to back off and spend some time in prayer.
Great post Susan. I am not sure I can say which is harder. Both husband and children have been instruments of refining. Both have brought pain and tears and both have brought joy and growth. They are intertwined. Some days I feel I have to raise the child in my husband and I am sure he feels the same about me. It seems more like a walking hand in hand with all of them. Some days my children have been more like the adults and the reasonable ones who bring me back to “reason” and grace and understanding. The ebb and flow is not so well-defined for me.
Thanks for popping by and sharing your thoughts, Louise. That’s why I enjoyed the panel so much at the Mum Heart Conference – it was great to see different viewpoints, different experiences and how other people ‘tick’. It all shows that there is no one right way to be a wife or a mum. Sure there are overarching principles and concepts, but the practical outworking of those principles will be different for each person and each family. 🙂
It’s so good to take a moment to reflect on topics like this. I’ve never really thought one was ‘harder’ than the other – both roles are so totally different for me. For us, it’s like my husband and I as great friends working together in this parenting gig – which nothing or nobody can prepare you for until you walk through it yourself. The trick is balancing being a wife and keeping this role as an important priority in my life. You would have been a fantastic panellist at the Mum Heart Conference. I was involved with the running of the QLD conference last year but unfortunately the process of moving home has meant I couldn’t be in Newcastle this year. But it is a fantastic time of encouragement and so important to rejuvenate in our roles as homeschooling Mum’s.