I turn to the left and sense the sighs. I hear the unsaid words,
“If only you had done this, or done that…”
I turn to the right only to see other parents pull their children away in fear
just in case it is infectious.

I look behind and see their looks of pity.
They know I see it but they choose to be aloof.
Yet I also sense fear in their eyes, “If it happened to them, will it happen to me?”

Blue eyes, brown eyes… ooze with thick, black condemnation
eyebrows raised, lips pursed.
Tsk, tsk…
Chiding me with every breath.

I turn around. Momentarily relieved to have found a place of rest.
Of peace,
an absence of condemnation or self righteousness…
But it is an illusion. Not real. It’s there, veiled behind music and smiles, preaching, prayers and Bible verses.

I soon learn and accept that all is not as it seems
This place – is filled with dark hopelessness and resignation
“Oh well, what can ya do?” and “Kids will be kids” and other such empty, throwaway lines…

I look forward…
look straight ahead…
to The One who knows and see all,
who is not bound by the earthly constraints of time and physicality.

I see hope.
He has her,
in His hands,
He will call her in his time.

This One.
He knows me,
knows what I have done,
where I have tried and failed.

Everything is in His hands,
not mine.
He has His purpose,
As if I could stop it.

No more control,
or shame,
or guilt
when I abide in Him and Him alone.

The post His Purpose is My Hope first appeared on Simply Susan.

This question then turned to “How? How can I straighten this mess out? How can I straighten this child out?”

I had a lot to learn.

Looking back, I can now recognise a few lessons that God wanted to show me. I needed to understand that everything that came to me had first passed through the hands of God. I was presented with an opportunity.  An opportunity for my growth and maturity. An opportunity for me to be transformed more and more into the image of Jesus. Yet I was looking for the closest exit!

God is The Multi-Tasker

God is working in the life of my child at the same time He is growing me. He is choosing to use my prodigal child to mature me, to grow me, to transform me into the image of His Son. At the same time, He is working in my child’s life, even if I can’t see it at the time. That is good news!

Does God Really Know What’s Going On?

My present life is quite different to the dreams and ideals that I had for our family and each child all those years ago. Broken dreams, grieving for that which will never be… this was not what I had dreamt of when I was holding each new baby in my arms.

Did God know that I would have to face this challenge in my family or did it catch Him by surprise?

God saw all of this. He knew this was going to be my reality. Yet He chose to give me this child to raise, to train, to teach, to love. He placed this child in our family for a purpose! Not just for the child’s sake but for mine.

What I am facing today is what I am meant to be going through. I need to stop looking for the quick, easy exit and learn to grow through it. By wishing for my situation to be different I am losing an opportunity for growth, for transformation.

Father God, give me wisdom for today. Help me to see that I need this lesson for my maturity, for my faith. Father, I want less of me and more of You. Help me to have peace through this painful lesson, this transforming work that You are doing in my life. I thank you that you are working in our lives. Help me to see the bigger, long term picture. Help me to look further ahead – to Your glory.

He must increase, but I must decrease.
~John 3:30 (ESV)

The post God Knows first appeared on Simply Susan.

Why are we here? Who put us here? What happens when we die? Our answer or thoughts to these big questions will dictate our actions.

There is a lot of myth and fear surrounding the teen years, especially amongst home schoolers. We don’t need to stick our heads in the sand and only discuss that which we want to hear- we need to know what is happening.

We want to pass on our beliefs and faith to our children. So we teach them. We homeschool so we can spend more time with our children, building the relationship, instilling values, etc. And then comes that time. That time when our child starts to question those beliefs. And we get are horrified and panic.

However, this process doesn’t need to be terrifying. It can be a necessary and vital step toward maturity and adulthood. This transference of faith is vital for one to grow as a child of God, to take ownership of their faith. After this process, the child or young adult will no longer rely upon their parents for maintaining their relationship with God and others.

What happens if this process does not happen?

The shift may still occur but instead of relying upon the parents, they may rely upon someone else’s: their boyfriend, husband, pastor, friends, magazine, TV, books, etc. (The enemy is vying for the heart of all and is actively working toward gaining it via any means). They either take ownership of the faith they were raised in or they transfer it and take the beliefs or faith of someone else.

So, is there a formula?

Early on in my parenting journey, I thought I had found the recipe!

Simply take 1 child + a godly homeschool and you will = Success

We think that if we homeschool, then our children will turn out okay. Further to that, we have to homeschool a certain way or it won’t ‘work’. We have to avoid this, avoid that, do this, don’t do that… Oh, it’s all so hard – so many rules!

But we make a grave mistake if we attempt to use any kind of formula.

Raising children is a matter of grace.

It isn’t about a formula or a recipe. We need to know and accept that we cannot obtain our child’s salvation! Whether or not a person realizes they’re forgiven and walks in that when they are 15 or 45 doesn’t change the fact that it’s all about grace. Salvation is a work of grace. After all, salvation is what most of us desire for our children more so than simply the appearance of right living.

We can lead our children to Him, lead them in the ways of Him… We can teach them all about Him, and teach them to obey us as parents… but that internal work of the heart – the individual’s response and subsequent obedience to God are not within our control. We are not the Holy Spirit. We are the messenger, the herald who proclaims the message. The onus is on the hearer to hear and obey.

So what can we do?

We can pray! We can proclaim the message unabashedly! We can live by example. We can train in matters of outwardness. And we can hope.

There will come a time in their life when they question what they believe… it might look shaky for awhile but if the foundation is solid (the foundation being the message of the work of the Cross through Christ) then we can be assured that God will indeed graft them into the vine and call them His own. They will start to see this as their faith… their belief and not just that of their parents. This is a most beautiful happening! Truly wondrous!

The Homeschooling Community

We shouldn’t look at a 15yo, who is mulling over the big issues of life and struggling with it (which can be a normal part of maturing into an independent adult), and judge his family.

In the same way, we can’t look at a family who has an obedient and God-fearing 16yo and assume that they have perfected the formula, thereby desiring to emulate their parenting. We don’t know where that person will be when they are 30, once away from the watchful eye of parents and responsible for themselves. So often we overlook the operative word in Proverbs 22:6 “when he is old”; not when he is a teen.

Relationship

Let us not become weary with our modelling and teaching. Let’s keep on teaching our children God’s ways, keep on loving them, laughing with them. We can be firm with our children yet not get too hung up on the minors. We can pray with them and for them. If we homeschool – keep building our relationship with them. If your children goes to school – keep building your relationship with them! And pray.

Prayer

God cares about your children even more than you do. Ask God to reveal Himself to them, that they will see their sin and need for Him. Pray that God will humble them (and us, while we’re praying) and pierce their heart so that they will see their need for great grace. Ask God that He will draw them back to Himself each time they stumble.

We can let our children know that there is nothing they can do to earn our love or God’s love. Pray that the gospel will be the motivation for their growth. Teach them and model that our obedience is a response that overflows from our heart.

The post What Parenting Recipe Do you Use? first appeared on Simply Susan.

I recently posted that I don’t parent from fear now. And I don’t anymore. But I did. And I see similar actions from young parents- tactics used to control, cajole, manipulate or micro manage their children. I see some parents who are so scared of letting their children make mistakes.

I’ve also met some adults (young and slightly older) who have been parented by these methods. And sadly, they have turned their back on God, rejecting His way and going after a life of fun and temporary pleasure.

Losing my voice

When one of my children was 14 she started to go off the rails. She rebelled against us, God and everyone else that she perceived as authority. And as is typical with this particular child when she does something she does it well – to 100% of her ability. Being such a young age, everyone (friends, church members, other homeschoolers, etc) got to see her rebel against God, family and homeschooling. Suffice to say it has been the most difficult period in my life… but God has been good (of course!) and has revealed Himself to me in a way that I needed.

My daughter did all this early and publicly, or so it felt because I was involved at church and in the homeschool movement. I started to feel like the example – what not to be or not to do. Ouch.

On a personal level, I lost my writing/speaking voice. I totally lost my confidence. I had nothing to say. I felt useless and worthless and as though I had nothing to offer anyone. I felt that people only wanted to hear of the positive, glowing success stories and my child didn’t fit in that mold. Guess what? She still doesn’t. We don’t fit in that mold either. And largely nothing has changed. People still want to hear the glowing, positive reports… until they have a child who starts to look sideways- then my inbox gets busy.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
~2 Cor 1:3-4

Back to those young adults…

Unlike my daughter they appeared to be good, Christian, homeschooled kids… until they hit about 17 or 18 years of age. Things have started to go downhill… very quickly. In fact, some of those young people are doing the things that my daughter was doing years ago. Except my daughter isn’t doing all that any more. She has learned a lot (she still has a long way to go, but that’s God’s job, not mine) and now manages her own home. But these young people I know have now gone off the rails. What’s the difference between my daughter and them? Not a thing. Except they are older and because of that, it doesn’t seem as bad. But it only seems that way because it isn’t as public. But the same attitudes are there; have fun, party hard, hate authority, parents, etc.

But God is a big God.

I was saved by grace. I couldn’t have saved myself. When (not if, but when) my child realises their salvation and has a revelation from God I want them to know the truth – that they are saved by grace, through faith. I know he has a plan and a purpose for my children and their salvation. God is a God of salvation. Redemption is His business!

What have I learned during this journey?

Heaps! But writing concise summations are not my strong point. I don’t know really but a few things come to mind… don’t be too quick to look at others and judge. Don’t look for formulas. Don’t try to micro manage our children. Don’t parent from fear. Accept that I cannot obtain salvation for my child. Accept that I can’t train them to be a Christian. Applying lists and rules and guidelines are just that – lists. Don’t micromanage their attitude but look to their heart and treat it gently, tenderly. Everything I do needs to be seasoned in grace and only motivated by a deep and sincere relationship with the Lord Jesus.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
~2 Corinthians 12:9

Oh, in case you hadn’t realised… I found my voice again!

The post I Lost My Voice first appeared on Simply Susan.

A few months ago, I thought of an acronym for parents of teens: POTS Parents of Teens. I lamented on how there seems to be a lack of POTS on the homeschool forums. I have spoken to a few POTS over the years and there are a few points that were common to many…points which I am now discovering for myself.

Parenting a teen…

Is many things; from exciting and adventurous to downright difficult. But it’s also a time of growing and relearning for a parent, for this parent. When I was the mother of younger children I was idealistic. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. If we don’t have any standards or values, then we will just go the way of modern culture but it’s necessary to remember what era we live in. We are raising children who will one day be adults in this world…not the era of the 1920’s or the ’70’s but this era. I have faced with some tough decisions over the years…some ideals I have been challenged on and others I have decided to be firm in. Being challenged is not always easy but always valuable. Through it we learn perspective and discernment.

What Is Your Measuring Stick?

I’ve learned that many things I once held dear and stood firm in are not actually rooted in God’s word. Sure they *sound* biblical, pure and noble (and there is nothing wrong with that) but I was holding fast to them as I thought it was God’s word…when in actual fact it can just be popular Christian culture. As fairly conservative Christian homeschoolers, we can often compare ourselves to other Christians and if we are stricter than them, we think we’re on the right path. Often we use the modern day church as our measuring stick. Instead we need to ask ourselves, “What does God’s word say about it?” Am I sure my answer to many teen struggles is based on God’s word, the church or what is socially acceptable?

Know what you believe and why and make sure it is from God’s word, not man.

I sense that many parents with younger children don’t want to hear the reality. The reality that some children, who have been raised to know the Truth, that have been thoroughly loved and respected just resist or worse, rebel against it all. I’ve heard the gazillion reasons of why this is happening…I’ve sensed the often unsaid comments from fellow Christians. I’ve felt eyes on us: as if by observing us people could avoid this happening to them by not making the same mistakes that we made. I’ve had it said that we have been too soft, too harsh, too protective, too liberal, too…, well I’m sure you get the idea. One person says it is because of reason A and another person will say it’s because of reason B, the exact opposite. Not that I actually ask too many people why…however simply being in this position, with a rebellious child, seems to allow many people to offer their opinion.  All the parents that I know of desire the very best for their children (Sure I don’t know everyone and I know that this is not always the case but…). All the parents I know want to train their children to walk in the ways of God…for not only is the way of Truth and Life but the other way is paved with hurt and despair. No one wants that for their children. How helpful is it to look back and analyse every action? Will it change things? Sometimes, children just rebel…for no logical reason. We always want to find a reason, discover why, blame someone or something. But we must not forget the teaching of free will. And, the important thing as parents, is what we do from here…

So I have a child who is in rebellion…who does not believe or hold dear to the values that they were taught…that says they do not believe in God. Yes, this breaks my heart, and her father’s heart. It has also been very difficult to live each day amongst the problems that arise as a result of this conflict of belief. You may well imagine the time, effort, prayer and talks that are needed. Hence part of the reason for my absence. The other part is that this is all personal and there is much I won’t share (it is our business) but even while protecting our privacy I’m not sure the Australian homeschool community is being helped by this denial of rebellion. It just pushes POTS further away.

Refinement

It’s so easy to have all the answers when our children are in grades 5 and 6 or when things are rosy…it’s when the cookie crumbles that the true test of character and faith are tested. That’s when knowledge either becomes wisdom or remains at academic knowledge. A few years ago, while my children were younger, I believed that Proverbs 22:6 was a promise. After studying the passage contextually I now know it is a principle, not a promise. I used to believe that rebellion shouldn’t happen in a Christian home school family. Well, I now know that lots of things happen in this world that shouldn’t. It is called sin. My child has a free will. God gave it to her. She’s not the only one who has exercised her free will, nor will she be the last.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

For those that want to know what formula we’ve followed, I can honestly say there is none- unless you count “There but for the grace of God, go I” as a formula. We have trained, taught, loved, prayed, and laughed with our children. We have made mistakes. We have asked them to forgive us. We have forgiven them. We’ve lived with them and learned with them. You may wish to ask me what or how we’ve parented so that you can formulate a checklist of things not-to-do. Oh, for your children’s sake don’t do this. Applying lists and rules and guidelines in and of themselves are just that – a list. Everything we do needs to be seasoned in grace and only motivated by a deep and sincere relationship with the Lord Jesus.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2: 8-10

Not Parenting from Fear

A couple of friends have asked me why I’m not beside myself with fear.  I know who I was and who saved me. And He’s a big God. I was saved by grace. I couldn’t have saved myself. When (not if, but when) my child gets saved, I want it to the same, through faith by grace. God saved me and I know he has a plan and a purpose for my children and their salvation. It is not for their salvation I fear as I know that God has them in His Book of Life. However, my mother heart grieves and is deeply hurt for the hurts and scars that can occur when living a life without God. But Father God knows them and He knows their heart and the journey they must walk.

God is a God of salvation. Redemption is His business!

So that’s where I’ve been and it’s where I am. I am not perfect. I do not have a perfect family. My children are not perfect. There are sites and blogs where Christian home school parents don’t seem to have any problems. If you’re looking for that, this blog is not the place you’ll want to visit. But if you want to read the posts of a real, imperfect home school mum who loves her family greatly, despite its own shortcomings, then you might want to mosey on through the archives. I say read the archives because I am thinking of closing this blog down for awhile. I blog primarily for myself- as a way to process, clarify and articulate my thoughts. However, I’m becoming aware that not everyone understands my posts and I do not wish to cause anyone confusion. Until I am able to devote more time to learning how to articulate myself clearly I need to take a break.

Rebellious Christian kids often share many similarities. They are blocking God out of their lives, parents annoy them, and family life ticks them off. They are capable of being stubborn, obstinate, argumentative, aloof, and moody. . . And proud of it. They often seem embarrassed by your outward commitment to God and disinterested in your spiritual advice. They are no longer fans of church and Sunday School . . . Truly rebellious kids push away family affection. (pg. 3)

Dr. Tim Kimmel, director of Family Matters a non-profit ministry whose goal is to build strong families for every stage and phase of life. He is the author of many books on the family, including Why Christian Kids Rebel: Trading Heartache for Hope.

The post Mother of a Prodigal first appeared on Simply Susan.