relationships

Stories or Opinions

What do you share? Your story or your opinion? What do you like to read? Opinions or stories? Maybe a mixture of both!

I was raised in a home where I didn’t express my opinion much. I was an only child, and one of my parents was quite opinionated and strong willed (guess who I took after?) which didn’t leave a lot of room for anyone’s else thoughts or opinions. I had them, I just didn’t share them.

Then, I got married. My wonderful husband also has lots of opinions and is also strong willed, but he wants to hear my thoughts! This was all a little new to me as a young wife. Could I safely express my opinion without being mocked or corrected? Therein began the saga of how I started to offer my opinion. In the early years of parenting, I gave my children a lot of my opinion. Oh yes, I had a lot to say and I had a captive audience!

When my children were little, it was easy to give my opinion. But as they developed and matured, they need more – they needed relationship with me and relationship with the opinion or idea. They needed a story upon which to see truths played out in real life. My children are now growing up to have their own ‘story’. It is a necessary part of life. The various chapters that make up their story scare me and I wonder if they’ll be alright. But I come back to my confidence, my rock. I come back to the end of God’s story and keep focussed there.

Life, being a beautiful but messy narrative, has a way of teaching us lessons. And so, I realise that my opinions and sayings mattered less and less. Nowadays I find myself waxing rather in-eloquently… relating stories instead of opinion. The listener or reader can take from it what they will. Take from it anything the Holy Spirit impresses upon you. Or not.

Stories are relational, opinions are more like facts. Grace and truth are conveyed through stories. The Old Testament is filled with stories that convey the nature of God, and we see how He relates with His creation. Yet we need to immerse ourselves in the story, we have to work harder to see the grace and truths through stories than if we simply read through a chapter of proverbs. They are different vehicles for nuggets of truth.

Jesus Taught Using Stories

Jesus told parables or stories to teach the disciples. Of course, He also taught by example. Jesus employed the use of a variety of methods to communicate with people. He gave instruction, He taught in parables, used object lessons and more. The main point is that He was relational. He communicated in such a way as to reach the heart of the listener! Many years ago, I took a year or two to study the life of Jesus and that included learning how Jesus was taught and what sort of teacher He was. What methods did He use to teach? And how did that apply to me and my family? It’s a great study and well worth the time and effort.

Stories Take Time

Stories have characters, actions and outcomes which all takes time to be played out. They are intricately woven and allow the listener to make their own rich connections. Stories communicate much, although it’s not always so easy to find the ‘moral’ of the story, if there is indeed one moral to be learned. It takes longer to relate a story and to be a part of someone’s life than what it does to offer a pithy wise saying. I can tell my children to be thankful. I can have them copy verses. I can read Bible verses to them that speak about thankfulness. But a much better way for them to learn thankfulness is for me to be truly thankful- to model it. To be the living example.

My dear Mum passed away in late 1997. She was a story teller and I loved to hear her repeat her life experiences. I learned from them. Providentially, another woman stepped into my life for a short time, and she shared her life with me. She didn’t set out to ‘teach me’ anything in particular, but she taught me a lot, simply by sharing her life and her stories with me. They taught me more than the Philosophy of Christian Womanhood course I did in 1987/1988 in preparation for marriage. I’ve learned that the people that influence me the most are those who share their life, their story with me and not just their opinion.

How are you relating grace and truths to your children? What influences you the most in your walk as a Christian and/or as a parent? Tell me in the comment section below.

Narration ~ Discussion ~ Debate

Todays blast from the past was written in Jan, 2006. The daughter that I talk about is now 19 years old.

Narration and discussion have been a cornerstone of our family’s learning style and I just wanted to share something that happened the other day.

Miss A (14 yodd) came to me yesterday as she wanted to ‘discuss and debate’ some lyrics of an album that she wants to purchase. Miss A has learned that lyrics and a performer’s lifestyle are very important to me- I look at more than the genre of music.

As we sat and discussed the lyrics of some songs I asked her if we could read some hymns out loud, to which she happily agreed. The difference that she could see is that the hymns are straight out- one doesn’t have to ‘read between the lines’ in order to grasp what is being sung whereas her songs had a special meaning that could be ambiguous UNLESS you knew the story behind the songs. She then went on to research articles, interviews and quotes from the band, which proved to be very beneficial to both of us. (I can see that some songs are performance based, while others are more directly for worship – participatory, not performance)

Not only could this be documented as an academic lesson (worldview, research, debate, reasoning, etc) it was more a life lesson as well as relational building. It drew us closer together so that she continues to feel free to bring anything to me (her words). Throughout this she is learning how to apply God’s Word to her daily life! I’m seeing that she is allowing God’s Word to shape her worldview. Wahoo! is anything more exciting than that?

I’m convinced that the early years of narration, leading on to discussion has helped keep our lines of communication open and in turn, allowed her to verbalise her thoughts as she goes through a thinking process.

Just wanted to share this little happening with you all and encourage you to keep focusing on narration and discussion with your children.

We Argued Over Fireproof

I’m probably the last Christian in Australia to see the movie but finally… I watched it! Fireproof, that is.

Funny story with it though. I had told Miss A that I wanted to watch it one day when it came out on DVD. So, for an anniversary (in late June) present she bought it for John and I. she also purchased the book, The Love Dare and gave it to us as a gift. I didn’t want to watch the movie too late at night as I’m not real coherent at night. I didn’t want to stuff the movie into a 2 hour time slot in between softball and housework…I wanted to watch the movie and savour it. John however didn’t show an overwhelming interest in watching it- in fact he didn’t even bother to read the blurb on the back! Whenever we wanted to watch a movie and I would suggest it… he would always find an alternative. I don’t know why, it just was that way.

The months went by and it sat in the tv hutch, unopened.

One morning over a cup of coffee, John started telling me that he watched the last half hour of a really good movie the night the before. It was on Foxtel…He said that we should watch it together or as a family. He started telling me the story line and seemed quite taken with the movie. By now the storyline was starting to sound familiar so I asked what the name of the movie was. He couldn’t remember so looked it up on the tv guide. What do you think it was? Yup, you were right!

Fireproof!

Boy oh boy, was I mad? I was livid! I was so hurt, so frustrated, so downright angry! I didn’t say a word but just glared at him. Miss A couldn’t believe it…she couldn’t believe the irony of it all and she burst out into tears. Tears… of laughter!! Poor John had no idea what had just happened as his wife just stood there, shooting daggers at him with her eyes.

I was so cross I couldn’t speak so I just stormed off to the bathroom. John tried to follow and ask what the problem was but I was too mad to respond sweetly so I just shushed my mouth, but inside I was seething.

Eventually he gave up trying to find out what the issue was and went back out to the lounge room whereby Miss A retrieved the unopened DVD from the hutch and asked him if that looked like the movie. N o w … he got it! At that moment, he understood.

I emerged from the bathroom eventually…to be greeted by my sweet husband who had a sheepish grin on his face. Of course we kissed and made up. Over time I put it out of my mind and ‘gave it up’. I wasn’t going to watch the movie alone so I ‘gave it over to the Lord’.

Several months later … on holidays

John often takes a few days or weeks to ‘leave work’ and get into holiday mode but this year I think he got into holiday mode before he even finished work! It was great. Having no plans one day, we decided to watch a movie. I handed a few movies to the family and the consensus was “Fireproof”. So Fireproof it was!

It was great! We all loved it. Sometimes Christian movies are lacking in various areas but I thought that this was really well done. I found it to be a powerful, thought-provoking, attitude-changing movie. Not one that most non believers would watch but certainly one that a lot of Christians would view. It was fantastic for the children to watch too- even at their different ages of 12, 14 and 18years old.

I’ve done quite a few ‘marriage’ and womanhood courses in our 22 years of marriage. Some of the were good, some were unbalanced. This movie though, was pretty spot on!

I think it’s quite funny (in a sad, ironic, weird way) that we had an argument/misunderstanding over Fireproof. The movie revealed things to us even in its unopened state. My old fleshly nature, my pride… me, me, me! I was revealed throughout the whole event.

14. I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself – after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison.
15. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.
16. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!
18. I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it.
19. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.
20. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.
22. I truly delight in God’s commands,
23. but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
25. The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Romans 7: 14-25

Have you watched FireProof? What did you think of it? Have you ever had an argument or acted out in the flesh over something that was supposed to spiritually edifying?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5lSu6GkC2k

Homeschooling Isn't About Education

I didn’t write this article, but it’s too good not to share. It was written by Chris Davis, formerly from Elijah Co.

If you have been a recipient of my eNewsletter or if you have heard me speak at a conference you know that I have a concern about the shift I have seen in the reasons families choose to homeschool. I would like to take this opportunity to bring us back to what I perceive to be the reason God began this movement over 20 years ago.

Our good friend Rob Shearer once told me something which I will paraphrase as follows:

About 20 years ago, a group of parents began to feel a deep desire to have their children grow up at home rather than in an institutional setting. Thus began what is now referred to as the Homeschooling Movement. These early “homeschoolers” my friend refers to as Pioneers: parents who knew God wanted them to take total responsibility for raising (including educating) their own children. These Pioneers were determined to have their children home during the day in spite of the difficulties (and sometimes the dangers) this decision created.

During this Pioneer stage, there was another group of parents who heard about the benefits of homeschooling, but who decided to wait to see if the Pioneers would be successful before becoming homeschoolers themselves. These my friend called Settlers. Once the Settlers were convinced of the benefits of homeschooling, they joined in. However, unlike the Pioneers, many Settlers weren’t sure they would homeschool for the long term so they simply copied the public schools’ curricula and sequencing methods just in case it turned out that homeschooling didn’t work for them. And, if it didn’t, their children could be mainstreamed back into “school.”

By the late 1990’s public schools were receiving such negative publicity, and homeschooling such positive publicity, many more parents began to consider homeschooling as a viable alternative. They knew little about homeschooling except that it had to be better than the public school. These families my friend called Refugees: parents who were escaping a negative situation, but with no real understanding of what they were doing or why; nor did many of them want to know. They simply wanted their children to be educated as if the children were “in school” but without the negative context they perceived existed in the public school setting.

As I have described the three kinds of homeschoolers above, you may have noticed a very subtle, yet most important, difference between the Pioneers’ main desire (to have their children grow up at home) and the main desire of the other two groups (to provide a better education, or a less negative context for their children).

The reason I entitled this article, Homeschooling Is Not About Education is because I think we have a tendency to lose sight of or, perhaps, we have never really understood why we were led to homeschool. I draw this conclusion because what I hear as most homeschooling parents’ primary concerns are issues such as, “Will this be the best curriculum for my child?” or “How do I know I’m going to cover it all?”

Let’s take another look at this thing called “Homeschooling.” We all know one or more families whose children would greatly benefit if their children were not in a public school setting. Yet, these families don’t bring their children home. We feel truly blessed to believe in homeschooling and we don’t understand why everyone doesn’t see the obvious benefits. Why do friends and relatives keep sending their children to “school”, anyway? Why do we seem to be among so few who are willing to do this?

I would like to offer my opinion as to why we have become “homeschoolers” and so many others have not: I have a conviction that a historical time is approaching for which a certain “kind” of person will be needed in this nation; indeed, in the world. When this time will come, I don’t know, but my sense is that it will come soon. What I do believe is that God has needed a very specific context within which He can grow up this particular kind of person. And, since a lot of these “persons” are needed, God has asked a lot of us to become homeschoolers. What is this context? It is simply a place where the hearts of the fathers have been turned toward their children and the hearts of the children have been turned toward their fathers. It is a place where children are raised to become proficient at the specific giftings, talents, and callings God has placed within them since their creation.

This is the context which every homeschooling family has the opportunity to create. Yet, what disturbs me is that homes-SCHOOLING has become the primary focus of so many of these families. Homeschooling parents are prioritizing something quite different than what was in the heart of God as expressed in the hearts of those early Pioneers when they brought (or kept) their children home during the day.

For those of you who have “brought the school home,” let me suggest that you rethink what you are really doing with your children. Do you ever consider what kind of person this little boy or girl is to become by the time he or she leaves your home? Have you ever wondered if God Himself, has placed some very specific talents, giftings and callings in this youngster that He expects you to discover and promote during the child’s stay with you? Do such things determine your family’s priorities, weekly schedule or the curricula you purchase?

Or as you look toward the “finish line” of your child’s time at home, do you simply buy a graded curricula and spend your days plowing through it, because you think the highest purpose of your parenting is to see that your child receives the best education you can provide so you can one day say, “My son has a good job.”

If the answers to these questions are something like, “I don’t know”, or, “I don’t want to think about it,” then you may be a “homeschooler”, but I think you’ve missed the point.

Even Pioneers can slowly become Refugees. The very word “homeschooling” can cause us all to forget that what we are doing is not about home-SCHOOLING but about creating that context in which we assist God in raising the little ones in our homes to become His men and women who are truly prepared for what is going to happen in their own generation. To be like King David whom God did not identify as a man “with a good job;” but as a man who “served his generation well.”

Parent or Best Friend?

Hands up if you have a teen daughter? A few years ago, I was advised to be my daughter’s parent- not her best friend. The advice was given that I need to be her guiding influence and an authority figure. And with that, I do agree! But…

So I tried being more parental…and nearly lost her heart. It wasn’t in the being parental part that nearly did it- it was the imbalance…being one but not the other. Oh, praise the Lord that he did not keep me at that place for long…for He knows my heart and what I desire. He pulled me from that and set my feet upon a path where I could be both parent and best friend.

2007

My 18yodaughter does not have a best friend, besides her father and I. It’s a lonely world out there for a young adult who holds strong values and convictions (and isn’t afraid to speak them!). She has many acquaintances and friends but none who share the same values with similar depth. Well, there are a few other young ladies who do but they are not in close geographical proximity to each other. Therefore, it’s important that I be there for her- to listen to her, to give to her- to be her role model.

Now I have read quite a lot of articles, blogs and magazines that speak of the parent being the parent and not the best friend…how the two cannot be similar. Well, maybe that is true is some situations as I know that all children are different but I do believe that the homeschooling mum can definitely be her daughter’s ‘besty’. Remember I have four other children and that includes our blended family.

Why does it have to be an either/either situation? Maybe it does and I am truly in a unique situation… but I know of others who are in similar situations like Pearls of Truth and her daughter. Before she *graduated* my own mum was my best friend. She was and always will be my mother…but she was also one that I loved to share with, to listen to and to spend time with. She was a role model, an authority figure and my best friend. She had my heart. And I believe that’s the key. My daughter’s heart is turned toward me (and her father) so this allows me to be both to her. I guide her, instruct her, correct her, laugh with her, play with her, relax with her, pray with her, read God’s word with her and discipline her. She accepts it all graciously (albeit eventually). 😉

We have an understanding that first and foremost I am her mother and this is my God given role…but that doesn’t mean that we can’t have other elements in our relationship. Naturally, this has changed with the age of my daughter. In the early years it was important to establish the boundaries and roles but as the young girls mature and develop to become young women (who are old enough to be married and running their own home but choose to remain at home until that time) I have found it important to accept the natural (creational principles) changes that different ages, stages and seasons bring. With God, all things are possible. There is balance to be found in His wisdom.

I hope no one would take this out of context and become a liberal parent in the hopes of becoming their daughter’s ‘besty’. All family situations are different and each person should seek God and His word for the direction of their own family. If you have any queries on what I’ve written, don’t hesitate to write me or leave a comment.

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with me? Are you your older daughter’s best friend? What activities do you enjoy doing together?

Some good links that I want to share…for the young unmarried ladies:

A Little Courtship Advice by Nancy Wilson and Unmarried & Fruitful.

How Do We Parent?

Do you get sick of reading parenting books? I did. I’ll be honest. They get on my nerves. There are more different kinds of Christian parenting books than coloured jelly beans. How’s a parent supposed to know what to do? Ezzo? Pearls? Tripp? Barth? Grace-based? Law based? Where on earth does it end?

Good Information – Wrong Time

Sometimes reading books will actually provide us with information that is wrong at the time. We should not read parenting books BEFORE we have gone to God. Bold statement, I know. I used to read the books, arm myself with lots of information and then go to God, trusting that He would guide me in this parenting/homeschooling journey. Pfft! Talk about putting the cart before the horse!

Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.
Ecclesiastes 12:12

Parenting Experts or The Parent?

Why do we continually go to ‘the experts’ when we can go directly to THE Expert? Why do we need a writer, an author to tell us when, where, and how to discipline? Is it because we don’t look to see The Father’s parenting in our own lives? It seems to be a superior attitude to me; that we don’t like to see ourselves as children when we are parenting our children. We separate or compartmentalise areas of our life. Sometimes we’re parents; other times we are children of God…yet the two are intertwined.

How did God treat me before I was saved…before I came to believe on His son?

How does God treat me now?

In other words…

How does God parent me?

I am His child.

When I see the way that God parents me I am more able to parent my children in love, in grace…with discipline as it should be – loving discipline. Discipline that restores, not tears down or breaks hearts. Every action the Father does toward me is one of restoration, although I don’t always see that at the time. But it is. That is His nature and I trust Him.

How do I parent my children?

How does God parent me?

The blessing of our relationship with The Father should have us teach our children in the same ways – not holding back anything that is good for them, not disheartening them with our requirements. As we are being taught by Our Father, as He disciplines those that He loves, He does not despair or get impatient when we are slow but He continues to work in our heart and mind and in our family by his grace.

Let us seek the favour of God upon our homes!

Walking By Grace

Some of my readers may remember my where I talked about having a child who is trying to run away from the reality of God. I have shared how heart breaking this is. While it is still hard and every day brings its own challenges I would like to share some of the wonderful lessons I’m learning throughout it all.

I love to proclaim God’s grace- oh, that He should save a wretch like me and pour out His mercy, love and forgiveness upon me…me who is so undeserving. I am so aware that there is nothing I can do to earn God’s favour or His love. In fact, any of my attempts at being righteous are just as filthy rags. They are contrary to the good news of the work of the Cross. Early on in my conversion God revealed His grace. Grace is the middle name of one of my daughter’s. Grace is almost indescribable; too extraordinary. But I am thankful for His grace. I’m also thankful that while I am going through such daily heartbreak with one of my children, He has shown me more of Himself…more of what it means to live *in grace* and live *by grace*.

Every day I experience what it means to ‘live by the law’ or live by rules. Alternately, every day I also experience what it means to live in fullness of grace. How can this be? Oh, anyone who has lived with an unsaved person will probably know what I mean.

In an earlier post, I touched upon living by certain acceptable rules. You know, conduct becoming of good Christian homeschooling families. 😉 There seems to be certain codes of what is acceptable or not amongst homeschoolers. There is good behaviour and not-good behaviour. There are good activities and not-good activities.

I’ve been reassessing why I do what I do and why I don’t do certain things. Is my lifestyle determined by the rules of my faith? (Or acceptable Christian conduct) Or is my lifestyle determined by my relationship with Jesus Christ?

How about you? Have you stopped doing certain things since beginning to homeschool? Have your reasons been because of rules (being convinced by others) or by relationship with Christ and His transforming power?

Mother of a Prodigal

Oh Where, Oh Where have I been these last few weeks? I have neglected my blog. But that’s okay. I blog for myself, because I like to write: it helps me to process my thoughts. But I have been busy in the home. I’ve also been going through a difficult time and have felt very dry. You see, I have a child who is going through a time of rebellion against us and against God. Those who know me well will not be surprised to hear this…others may be. If you take a good look over my blog in recent months though, you will probably start to see it.

A few months ago, I thought of an acronym for parents of teens: POTS Parents of Teens. I lamented on how there seems to be a lack of POTS on the homeschool forums. I have spoken to a few POTS over the years and there are a few points that were common to many…points which I am now discovering for myself.

Parenting a teen…

Is many things; from exciting and adventurous to downright difficult. But it’s also a time of growing and relearning for a parent, for this parent. When I was the mother of younger children I was idealistic. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. If we don’t have any standards or values, then we will just go the way of modern culture but it’s necessary to remember what era we live in. We are raising children who will one day be adults in this world…not the era of the 1920’s or the ’70’s but this era. I have faced with some tough decisions over the years…some ideals I have been challenged on and others I have decided to be firm in. Being challenged is not always easy but always valuable. Through it we learn perspective and discernment.

What Is Your Measuring Stick?

I’ve learned that many things I once held dear and stood firm in are not actually rooted in God’s word. Sure they *sound* biblical, pure and noble (and there is nothing wrong with that) but I was holding fast to them as I thought it was God’s word…when in actual fact it can just be popular Christian culture. As fairly conservative Christian homeschoolers, we can often compare ourselves to other Christians and if we are stricter than them, we think we’re on the right path. Often we use the modern day church as our measuring stick. Instead we need to ask ourselves, “What does God’s word say about it?” Am I sure my answer to many teen struggles is based on God’s word, the church or what is socially acceptable?

Know what you believe and why and make sure it is from God’s word, not man.

I sense that many parents with younger children don’t want to hear the reality. The reality that some children, who have been raised to know the Truth, that have been thoroughly loved and respected just resist or worse, rebel against it all. I’ve heard the gazillion reasons of why this is happening…I’ve sensed the often unsaid comments from fellow Christians. I’ve felt eyes on us: as if by observing us people could avoid this happening to them by not making the same mistakes that we made. I’ve had it said that we have been too soft, too harsh, too protective, too liberal, too…, well I’m sure you get the idea. One person says it is because of reason A and another person will say it’s because of reason B, the exact opposite. Not that I actually ask too many people why…however simply being in this position, with a rebellious child, seems to allow many people to offer their opinion. All the parents that I know of desire the very best for their children (Sure I don’t know everyone and I know that this is not always the case but…). All the parents I know want to train their children to walk in the ways of God…for not only is the way of Truth and Life but the other way is paved with hurt and despair. No one wants that for their children. How helpful is it to look back and analyse every action? Will it change things? Sometimes, children just rebel…for no logical reason. We always want to find a reason, discover why, blame someone or something. But we must not forget the teaching of free will. And, the important thing as parents, is what we do from here…

So I have a child who is in rebellion…who does not believe or hold dear to the values that they were taught…that says they do not believe in God. Yes, this breaks my heart, and her father’s heart. It has also been very difficult to live each day amongst the problems that arise as a result of this conflict of belief. You may well imagine the time, effort, prayer and talks that are needed. Hence part of the reason for my absence. The other part is that this is all personal and there is much I won’t share (it is our business) but even while protecting our privacy I’m not sure the Australian homeschool community is being helped by this denial of rebellion. It just pushes POTS further away.

Refinement

It’s so easy to have all the answers when our children are in grades 5 and 6 or when things are rosy…it’s when the cookie crumbles that the true test of character and faith are tested. That’s when knowledge either becomes wisdom or remains at academic knowledge. A few years ago, while my children were younger, I believed that Proverbs 22:6 was a promise. After studying the passage contextually I now know it is a principle, not a promise. I used to believe that rebellion shouldn’t happen in a Christian home school family. Well, I now know that lots of things happen in this world that shouldn’t. It is called sin. My child has a free will. God gave it to her. She’s not the only one who has exercised her free will, nor will she be the last.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

For those that want to know what formula we’ve followed, I can honestly say there is none- unless you count “There but for the grace of God, go I” as a formula. We have trained, taught, loved, prayed, and laughed with our children. We have made mistakes. We have asked them to forgive us. We have forgiven them. We’ve lived with them and learned with them. You may wish to ask me what or how we’ve parented so that you can formulate a checklist of things not-to-do. Oh, for your children’s sake don’t do this. Applying lists and rules and guidelines in and of themselves are just that – a list. Everything we do needs to be seasoned in grace and only motivated by a deep and sincere relationship with the Lord Jesus.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2: 8-10

Not Parenting from Fear

A couple of friends have asked me why I’m not beside myself with fear. I know who I was and who saved me. And He’s a big God. I was saved by grace. I couldn’t have saved myself. When (not if, but when) my child gets saved, I want it to the same, through faith by grace. God saved me and I know he has a plan and a purpose for my children and their salvation. It is not for their salvation I fear as I know that God has them in His Book of Life. However, my mother heart grieves and is deeply hurt for the hurts and scars that can occur when living a life without God. But Father God knows them and He knows their heart and the journey they must walk.

God is a God of salvation. Redemption is His business!

So that’s where I’ve been and it’s where I am. I am not perfect. I do not have a perfect family. My children are not perfect. There are sites and blogs where Christian home school parents don’t seem to have any problems. If you’re looking for that, this blog is not the place you’ll want to visit. But if you want to read the posts of a real, imperfect home school mum who loves her family greatly, despite its own shortcomings, then you might want to mosey on through the archives. I say read the archives because I am thinking of closing this blog down for awhile. I blog primarily for myself- as a way to process, clarify and articulate my thoughts. However, I’m becoming aware that not everyone understands my posts and I do not wish to cause anyone confusion. Until I am able to devote more time to learning how to articulate myself clearly I need to take a break.

Rebellious Christian kids often share many similarities. They are blocking God out of their lives, parents annoy them, and family life ticks them off. They are capable of being stubborn, obstinate, argumentative, aloof, and moody. . . And proud of it. They often seem embarrassed by your outward commitment to God and disinterested in your spiritual advice. They are no longer fans of church and Sunday School . . . Truly rebellious kids push away family affection. (pg. 3)

Dr. Tim Kimmel, director of Family Matters a non-profit ministry whose goal is to build strong families for every stage and phase of life. He is the author of many books on the family, including Why Christian Kids Rebel: Trading Heartache for Hope.

Teenage Rebellion in the Homeschooling Family

This post was in response to a thread on an email group. The discussion was about the high incidence of teenage rebellion in homeschooled children.

Sadly, I think there is a lot of myth and fear surrounding the teen years, especially amongst home schoolers. We don’t need to stick our heads in the sand and only discuss that which we want to hear- we need to know what is happening.

Big Questions

I believe that there comes a time in everyone’s life where they start to examine and question the big issues of life: why are we here? Who put us here? What happens when we die? Our answer or thoughts to these questions make us do the things we do.

We want to teach our children these things that we have taken on as belief and faith. We do teach them. We homeschool so we can spend more time with our children, building the relationship, instilling values, etc

There comes a time when a child starts to question those big issues of life. That isn’t wrong- it is necessary if one is to grow and be an individual person (a child of God), rather than a sheep. I see this as a transference of faith– where the child may start to take responsibility for their relationship with God. They are able to go directly to God for themselves and not relying upon their mum or dad. (Of course this is when some parents start to get concerned as that relationship may appear different to their relationship with God)

What happens if this taking ownership of faith does not happen? Well, it still may shift but instead of relying upon Mum and Dad’s faith, they may rely upon someone else’s: their boyfriend, husband, pastor, friends, magazine, tv, etc (The enemy is vying for the heart of all and is actively working toward gaining it via any means). They either take ownership of the faith they were raised in or they transfer it and take the beliefs or faith of someone else.

I think that we make a grave mistake in looking for any kind of formula. We think that if we homeschool, then our children will turn out okay. But then we have to homeschool a certain way or it won’t ‘work’. We have to avoid this, avoid that, do this, don’t do that…Oh, it’s all so hard – so many rules.

I believe that many of us deeply believe that there is a formula:

1 child + homeschool = Success

I also believe that many of us believe there is a recipe for failure, and it looks like this:

1 child + school = Failure.

Oh, I know that when we see it written so boldly like that we don?t agree that we think that way but?when it gets down to the heart of the matter it is often what is in our heart.

A Matter of Grace

Raising children is a matter of grace, in my opinion. It isn’t about a formula or a recipe. Whether or not a person realises they’re forgiven and walks in it when they are 15 or 45 doesn’t change the fact that it’s all about GRACE. Salvation is a work of grace and after all, salvation is what most of us desire for our children more so than simply the appearance of right living.

If one does follow recipe number one : 1 child + homeschool = Success, then I have to ask, is it about them and their parenting methods or is it about God’s redeeming grace? We need to know and accept that we cannot obtain our child’s salvation! (Having accepted that we can start getting on our knees)

We can lead them to Him, lead them in the ways of Him…teach them all about Him, and teach them to obey us as parents…but that internal work of the heart – to respond to God and obey Him is not within our control. We are the messenger, the herald who proclaims the message. The onus is on the hearer to hear and obey.

So what can we do?

We can pray! We can proclaim the message unabashedly! We can live by example. We can train in matters of outwardness. And we can hope.

There will come a time in their life when they question what they believe…it might look shaky for awhile but if the foundation is solid (that foundation being the message- the message of the work of the Cross through Christ) then we can be assured that God will indeed graft them into the vine and call them His own. They will start to see this as their faith…their belief and not just that of their parents. This is a most BEAUTIFUL happening!!!! Truly wondrous!

I have met and had the pleasure of knowing a few Christian young people. Young ones who have a desire to serve God, to serve others and have a great relationship with their parents and siblings. Yet, they were not taught at home. They attended schools. Both public schools and private schools. Upon talking to their parent’s, I came to see that there are some common denominators: Relationship, time, love, acceptance, gentleness, firmness, boundaries, laughter, etc.

However, I still think we’re missing something in all this. It’s all too easy to look at family and judge their efforts or judge the fruit by the 16yo. However, I don’t believe that we can or should do that. I have heard it said, and I believe it to be true, that our true test of parenting isn’t seen until we watch how our children parent. How do our children parent our grandchildren? That’s when we see the fruit of our job.

We can’t look at a 15yo, who is mulling over the big issues of life and struggling with it (which can be a normal part of maturing into an independent adult), and judge a family by that! In the same way, we can’t look at a family who has an obedient and God-fearing 16yo and assume that they have it altogether, thereby desiring to emulate their parenting. We don’t know where that person will be when they are 30, once away from the watchful eye of parents and responsible for themselves. So often we look over the operative word in Proverbs 22: 6 “when he is old”, not when he is a teen.

I was speaking to a beautiful elderly man a few weeks ago at church. He had previously preached and I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned things. His son is an assistant pastor at the church (the elderly fellow isn’t a pastor) and preaches…just not quite as deep and insightful as his dad 😉 Anyway, we were talking about parenting and John and I questioned him about his parenting approach, as we usually do when we see the ripe fruit 😉

He encouraged us to do as much with our children as we could- to teach them God’s way, to love them, to laugh with them, to be firm with them and to not get too hung up over the teen years. He found out we home-schooled and was encouraging about that but he just kept saying the same thing:relationship! His children went to public school. I know of others who have sent their children to public school and they have grown to be productive fruits in the kingdom of God, serving Him with their lives.

I believe we’d do much better to study and learn about how God parents us! For He is the ultimate parent! How does he love, teach, guide, command us? What does He expect of us? Then as we relate our parenting from God, we may be parents after His own heart.

So with the whole rebellion thing…gee I went down a garden path there eh?

What do we really mean by ‘rebellion’?

Do we mean that the children haven’t adopted our way of thinking in every aspect…do they not adhere to ‘our’ standards of dress, music, etc or do we mean that they have discarded (turned their back on) the ways of God and His word?

Ah, it’s truly a big question I believe…and one that would be good thought and discussion for Australian homeschoolers as home education continues to grow and develop in this country.

As for me, I’ll keep praying for my children… I’ll keep living according to Micah 6:8. Keep proclaiming the gospel of Christ- salvation by grace through faith. And keep building relationships with them so that when the days of questioning come, they will see the Jesus living in me and know that Jesus is the way.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

A Sabbatical Year in Homeschooling

Last year I was tired and weary from eight years of learning at home with children. (We withdrew Miss A from school and began testing her in late 1997)

In 2006 I had planned to start afresh with a new plan, and I was trying to gather enthusiasm for the new school year. I had blogged about it all, and one thing led to another and I decided to take a year’s Sabbatical. The entries and thoughts are scattered throughout this blog so I thought I’d compile them in one place.

It all started when I was studying ‘Rest’ and Sabbath in the Bible.

I’m going to try something a little different this coming year!

December 28th, 2005

Usually I pray and ponder and peruse all the curriculum catalogues so that I can plan an approximate guide for each of my children. Late last year I roughly planned out the years for each of the children until they are 16years old. It was a very loose plan with lots of room for delights, interests and purposes. I then broke that down into the various years. I had planned to break that down even further and map out what things we would do this coming year but I’ve decided not to! I’m going to try something different. Instead of the 4 P’s (pray, ponder, peruse and plan) I’m going to focus on the 3 R’s. No, not Readin’ ‘Riting and ‘Rithmetic but…

Rest, Relationship and Refreshment.

I want to rest in God more and lead my children to do the same. I want to focus more upon relationships than ever before and I want to make sure that we have quality times of refreshment amidst our life of work. I don’t want to always be striving toward the next academic goal nor feeling good about achieving my goals. I just want to rest in God. The practical implication of this is that I won’t be planning, rather I will record what we have done each day. Each of the children will have their own recording journal, which we have designed ourselves and had spiral bound, (Learning Lifestyle Journal) and it will cover the following areas:

SPIRITUAL LIFE ~Bible reading, study, worship, prayer, fellowship, devotional readings, journal writing
LIFE SKILLS~ Chores, serving others, life skills
RELATIONSHIP/CHARACTER~ Relationship to others, God and self. Exercise, sport, nutrition, hygiene, personal development, health
ENGLISH~The art of communication – copywork/dictation, grammar, poetry, writing/composition, spelling/vocabulary, literature
MATHEMATICS~ Problem solving, thinking skills, logic studies
SCIENCE~Nature study, typing/technology, study
HISTORY~Past people and events. History and biography
GEOGRAPHY~ people and places of the world. Government, Economics, Foreign Language
WORLD VIEWS, CURRENT EVENTS ~
CREATIVE ARTS ~ Music, art, crafts, drama, Shakespeare, instruments, and other creative activities
AUDIO, VIDEO, TV & DISCUSSIONS~ Things I’ve discussed or learned by listening or watching

There is also room at the bottom of the page for student notes or comments and parent notes or comment. Maybe I’m becoming more this way the longer that we do this [learn at home].

I’m tired of seeing myself as a homeschooler! We are a FAMILY! And that is how God designed us to be. Academics are one part of life and so much of it can be done within a different time frame to what we (as school-ised parents) know of. I don’t want to “measure my success” by the amount of Table-Time that we have or the amount of books that we read or how structured or unstructured we may be.

The New Year came and I still wasn’t getting excited:

January 19th, 2006

I’ll confess. I’m not jumping up and down with excitement over lessons (school) this year. Nope! There was a time when we would visit Officeworks and stock up on all manner of new stationary and papers and binders and filing systems but (this is the beginning of our 9th year) I can’t even gather some motivation to do that at the moment. There was a time when I would devise some great plans but not this year- we’re just plodding on from where we left off. I love making plans though and if I must say so myself, I’m kinda good at it too. However, it gets really tiring seeing those plans NOT become reality due to one reason or another (usually called “real life”) so I decided not to make any fresh plans or schedules. Years ago, I decided not to make New Year’s Resolutions for pretty much the same reason yet it took me awhile to realise that the same thing happens with my lesson plans.

So, we’re easing back into lessons next week but we’ll start slowly. Bible, English and Reading Aloud and Individual Reading (Yes, I still have to insist upon individual reading for some of my children) will happen first and then once we are rolling with that, we’ll add Maths, Science and History and just keep going from there.

I have tried all of my usual tricks in order to find some motivation or inspiration and it just isn’t happening! Yes, I know that God has called me to this job and that in Him I can do it, but I’m still weary. I want to keep pressing on toward the goal but I’m still tired. I’ve read articles on burnout and while I usually glean something from them, I’m not this time round.

Last year I thought about the possibility of a Sabbath Year- one year every seven years spent in just *rest* before God. No striving, planning, feeling driven, etc. but to simply REST in Him. Yes, I know that this can be a daily process and it should be, but I also think I need a Sabbath Year.

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. – Psalm 27:14

I thought about this last year and decided against it BECAUSE I was scared! Scared that my daughter is getting older and couldn’t find the time to have off but I realised that be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

So, with our Sabbath Year this year I’m committing to NOT striving or planning, but to just *live* and rest in the author and the finisher of my faith.

By July 23rd, 2006 we were midway into our Sabbatical

Here we are midway through the year, and it’s time to look back, to assess and take stock of how things are going.

In January of this year, I decided to have a Sabbath period. I called it a Sabbath year but later changed it to a Sabbath Season. I was content to take up to a year but didn’t want to be bound by that. The point of this Sabbath Season was to not strive. Not to plan. Not to be so consumed by homeschooling. To not feel so driven most of the time but to relax in Him. To focus on relationships. I knew that this should/could be the way of learning-at-home but it wasn’t reality for me. Not really.

So, where are we now six months later? What have we been doing? Surely we haven’t just been sleeping in late each day and doing nothing? No. As I had posted we really have been focusing on the 3 R’s – Rest, Relationship and Refreshment.

Yes we’ve been moving interstate, having visitors stay with us and going away for softball trips but we’ve also been doing some things that could/should/would be classified as lessons.

How is this different to what we were doing last year when I thought that God was directing our home? Well, it’s the same but different. The change is in *me*. I didn’t realize exactly how many layers of self I had wrapped up in homeschooling- but there’s a few. A few years ago, I thought I had given it all over to God… that He could do what He wanted with me and that I had died to self and let go of my ideals. And I did do that. However, I believe that there were still parts of it, my goals that had to be given over to God. I’m learning at a deeper level what He means when He says to commit our ways to Him.

So far this year, we have read history, science, done maths and English, watched many movies and had great discussions on the nature of man, practiced real life skills, trained our physical bodies, and implemented new chores and routines. But more than that, we have spent more time in God’s word- reading, studying, immersing ourselves in Him.

It’s not that we have stopped learning how to write or spell or do maths… rather that I don’t plan and wring my hands with worry. We simply pick up the lesson where we left off and if this means that we don’t do maths for 2 or 3 weeks then so be it! It isn’t going anywhere, and we’ll get back to it one day. Meanwhile, there are other things for us to learn or do.

I have been pleasantly surprised at how much my children have been able to achieve independently WHEN THEY ARE READY. Oh, I used to try and have them read this and that… to do this report and that essay but it was a bit of a slog. Now I see that as they are ready, (and I’m watching all the time to see when the time is right) they are able to go through 3 -4 times the amount of work that I could have taught them. But the added bonus is that they have done it themselves and so they taste success in doing something themselves.

So where to from here? Learning-at-home is a marathon, not a sprint. Maybe if I only had the one or two children at home I could do academics with 100% focus but I don’t- I have four beautiful children. This means that it is truly a marathon… the long haul. It has to be a lifestyle for it to be sustainable (for us). This means that I approach the educating of our children a little differently to someone who is homeschooling for a year or so or until high school. This is our 9th year (at time of writing), and I have approximately another 7-8 years before my youngest son finishes yr 12. It isn’t about ‘resting’ and not planning for another 8 years. It’s about not being consumed by that planning. It’s about truly trusting in Him and committing my way to Him.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

This Sabbath Season isn’t meant to be just for a month or so, for me. Rather it is to be the way we live for now, until the Lord directs us differently. This will come too, I think as there is a time for work and a time for rest. But on a much smaller scale, I’m even finding this to be true WITHIN our Sabbath Season. There is a time to focus on spelling, on maths, on history, etc. but I don’t need to focus on them every day, every week, every month. Seasons – what a gift from God!When I wake in the morning are my thoughts about curricula, lessons or history or are they on the Lord and how I can best serve Him this day?

What I have learned from our Sabbatical Year

November 25th, 2006
Well, it’s getting on toward the end of the year, which means a new year is coming. I’ve had such an interesting journey so far this year, and I’ve chronicled it a little on my blog but in scattered bits and pieces.

It all started when I pursued my own study on the Sabbath (Nov 2005). I decided to try focusing on the 3 R’s for 2006- the new 3 R’s – Rest, Relationship and Refreshment. Jan 2006 saw me not too excited about lessons this year so deciding to have a Sabbath Season.

We moved interstate in May so we had to ride the waves of moving. Throughout this I was becoming more interested in getting fitter and I realised something about our home and family, from reading Body for Life. The book talks about hitting high points and efficient workouts, etc. Gee, this sounds a bit like my homeschool- instead of wanting to do lessons and booky stuff all day every day, I want to do our lessons efficiently, hit some high points AND have a life! In July, I was having such a good time that I decided to take stock of the year so far: and in August I started to formulate our recipe for success or not!

Throughout this time of Sabbath I have learned a lot about myself, the nature of Man, the nature of God, how we learn, etc I also learned, in a whole new way, that people will learn what they need to know, when they need to know it.

So where to for next year?

I’m getting a little excited about planning for next year but with the lessons I’ve learnt firmly in my mind.

Our focus will still be on the 3 R’s.

Rest, Relationship and Refreshment.

There are so many books that we haven’t read … books that I know we won’t even get to read … lessons that I haven’t done, but that’s okay! The important ones have been read, the important lessons have been discussed, relationships have been nurtured and the curiosity that is essential for learning has been kindled. Whenever I start to look at how much a child hasn’t done, I stop and look at how much they care, not how much they know and I’m left feeling content.

My family dynamics have changed a fair bit over the last 12 months, and I’m looking forward to a new season of working with my boys. The girls and I have always loved learning about history- it has been our favourite subject, but the boys are more interested in geography and science. Science is something I’ve tried to almost avoid but I’ve even been writing a unit study based on a Willard Price book in preparation for next year. My goal is to bring John to a level where he will be able to work more independently so that I can spend a little more time with ‘Master C’ . I want to streamline the basics so that we an all spend more time in God’s word and learning according to their delights and interests.

We’ll still have interruptions as we’re probably moving again in May, and with two girls working part time and youth group, and ‘Miss A’ ‘s softball this means the waves are starting get a little bigger, but that’s fine because that’s life! It’s how we know we’re alive!

So I’m excited about switching focus to a new subject (science) and teaching my boys, which is totally different to teaching my girls. I’m excited about teaching and showing them God’s word … ahhh, much to be thankful for.

Postscript

All in all our Sabbatical Year was a beautiful opportunity to learn about many things in ways that we hadn’t before. We tried new things, we tried new ways of doing things, we rested, we were refreshed and we were ready to start the new year (2007) full of energy. Most of all, I spent time growing in God’s word, gaining fresh and new motivation for the remainder of my days as a homeschool mum.

In the year 2006, the ages of my children were approximately: 15yodd, 13yodd, 11yods and a 9yods.

The Recipe for Success

Aha! I bet that subject line roped you in, eh? We all want to achieve success – successful , godly children right?

I’m learning that my initial thoughts and ideas on things are not always what is deeply in my heart. Over the years, I have been asking God to cleanse me, to reveal my heart that I may surrender it to Him. He has been showing me the darkness of my heart. This is scary on the one hand yet good on another because I know that it is because He loves me that He is doing this work.

We all know that there is no formula for guaranteed success with our children, right? Well, I believe that many of us deeply believe that there is a formula:

1 child +homeschool = Success

I also believe that many of us believe there is a recipe for failure, and it looks like this:

1 child + school = Failure.

Oh, I know that when we see it written so boldly like that we don’t agree that we think that way but…when it gets down to the heart of the matter…

In my opinion, this is way to simple and basic and it is missing some key ingredients of which the main one is Relationships.

A love for God. A love for their children. They worked at developing and maintaining a relationship WITH their children. They lived together. Played together. Prayed together. Served together. In fact, they worked quite hard at it all… they were committed to parenting.

Is that me? Am I committed to all of that or am I more concerned or consumed with Math and history?

Oh Lord, help me to see that parenting is bigger than ‘lessons’…bigger than homeschooling…help me to play with my children not just pray with them…to serve them and to serve with them.