marriage

A Tip for Each Year of Marriage

Earlier this week, John and I celebrated our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Like any married couple, we have had ups and downs, times of plenty and been in need. Also like every other couple, we have fought and cried together.

Here are 25 things that I have learned and am still learning to do.

Forgiveness is the backbone of any successful relationship. Never let the sun go down on your anger. Be quick to apologise. When having an argument, try holding his hand.
Share Scripture and other learnings with him.
Study each other. Know the others likes and dislikes. Make a conscious decision to put him first.
Dream big dreams together.
Make love regularly and enjoy it.
Never leave the house with giving him a kiss and saying “I love you“. Say “I love you” often.
Find out his biggest pet peeve within the home and take steps to improve it. It will often be small things like wanting clean socks each day. Clean socks aren’t that difficult to provide when I am aware of the need and make it a priority.
Let him catch you perving on him and admiring him. Touch him as often as he can stand it.
Accept his help and his suggestions. Be willing to learn from him.
Remind him gently of important dates like his own mother’s birthday.
Remember his favourite things – foods, clothes, movies, etc.
Love him – even when you don’t feel like it. Love him anyway.
Do something special for him (favourite movie, food, etc) when in a bad mood with him.
Don’t expect him to understand completely.
Ask for his advice and use it.
Let him speak, uninterrupted.
Use phrases like “I feel ____ in this situation” rather than “You always“.
Let him have the car window down while driving. Let him choose the music on a road trip.
Pray for and develop intimacy – emotional, spiritual and physical moments. It’s the little things, little moments, that build intimacy.
Say please, thank you and excuse me on a regular basis.
Watch the football with him, even if you despise it. Show an interest in his work, his hobbies.
Laugh at his jokes, even the not-so-funny ones.
Appreciate his efforts as a husband, a father and a provider. Support him at work or in front of his friends/work colleagues.
Smile at him every day. Welcome him home with a kiss and a seductive smile.
Cook together, play together, pray together, laugh together.
Pray for him.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
~1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Okay I cheated and added an extra tip. But I couldn’t stop without mentioning #26. Everyone’s list will look different but what would you add to this list?

Is It Harder to be a Wife or a Mum?

I recently had the most wonderful weekend when I attended the Mum Heart Conference in Newcastle. I was asked to sit on a panel, along with five other women. The audience had opportunity to ask the panelists any question and each woman had a minute or so to respond. I really like the idea of panels as the responses given are always so diverse. It really goes to show that there is no one right way. One of the questions asked was, “Have you found it hardest to be a wife or a mum?”

For some, parenthood and mothering may be very natural and intuitive. For others – maybe not so. When I married at 18 years old I was an instant mum to an adorable little five year old boy. My husband’s son. When I chose to say yes to my husband, I also chose to say yes to his son.

And that for me is the crux of my answer. I chose to marry John. I spent time with him, got to know him, enjoyed his company and chose to devote the rest of my life to him. He knows everything about me, has seen me at my worst… and he still loves me! I can be completely relaxed when I’m with him. He doesn’t look at me with judgement or condemnation even when I’m having a ‘flesh moment’. I can snap at John and he, being a mature, gracious adult, chooses to forgive me, and we move on. We enjoy similar hobbies and pastimes. I don’t get his sense of humour, and he sometimes annoys me no end but that’s part of a marriage. When I said ‘I Do‘ I was really saying that I choose John to be the instrument that God would use to refine me, to rub me the wrong way but ultimately, to grow me.

And then we had kids

Now don’t get me wrong. I loved my kids, and I still do. I love them to bits. But it’s different. I was a wife before I was a mum. Whereas I could totally relax with John, I had to be on my guard with this whole parenting gig. I have learned, and am still learning, the art of patience. I’ve learned to think before I speak. We all know that children will pick up on everything we say and question it. I’ve learned that even when I’m silent, my kids are always observing and learning.

With parenting, I’m expected to be the adult. It’s expected that I should be the mature one. I’m responsible for leading and guiding, for teaching. I’m expected to train and discipline. I’m supposed to be the example. The example of what? Everything that I want my children to be. I am also a representative of God. I represent God to my children. When I’m angry, yelling and throwing a hissy fit I am representing God the Father. When I choose to respond in love and gentleness, I am representing the Father. Now that is HUGE.

Mothering requires sacrifice, commitment, time, energy and diligence. All the time. These traits are not something that comes naturally to me. But I have learned to appreciate them, to practice them as it has been my hearts desire to reach my children’s heart with the grace of God, to show them His unfailing love.And so, I have found my role as a mother to be harder than my role as a wife.

What about you? What do you find harder – being a wife or a mother?

Wifey Wednesday: Ways of Connecting

Last week Sheila introduced the idea that women, being relational and emotional, often need to talk before moving on to *other things*.

I can totally relate to the imaginary story she wrote about- thinking of milk and cleaning the fridge. Why I don’t even like cleaning the fridge yet it has been known to spring to mind! One thing that I’ve learned is that whilst we both have different needs and different ways of expressing ourselves there is a time for both. There are times when we have been separated due to work and, being a woman, I needed to connect with my husband in an emotional way before anything else. However this was not quite how he felt! I’ve learned that this isn’t wrong. he isn’t treating me as an object rather it is his way of connecting with me. For me, emotional connectedness and relating ideally come before any physical intimacy yet this is not often the case for males. By having an attitude of serving and giving I’ve found that both our needs can be met- just not at the same time. When a husband has a similar attitude then it’s likely that he’ll reach the same premise. It’s quite logical to accept that emotional and physical connection doesn’t happen at the same time. The circumstances often dictate which happens first but I’ve found that it’s quite possible for both needs to be met.

They key, for us, is to each look to the needs of each other first and have an Ephesians 5 mindset.

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife , and the two shall become one flesh . This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:21-33

I am putting more emphasis upon our mariage as our children get older. Whilst not wishing the time to pass quickly until they leave home, I am aware that one day the children will have left the nest and be out in the world- leaving just John and I. I look forward to that time but don’t want to be like many marriages that fall apart once the children have left, simply because the couple forgot how to communicate and got on with living their own lives, neglecting the importance of togetherness. As regular readers know, when I focus on an area in my life it is bound to show up on my blog. 🙂

Wifey Wednesday: Greeting Him

For awhile now I’ve wanted to take part in the Wife Wednesday meme but Sheila posts on Wednesday US time, which is Thursday here in Australia. I’ve contemplated a few ways to get around it but the easiest way is for me to post on last week’s topic. So that’s what I’m going to do!

Last week Sheila wrote about saying hello and greeting one’s husband.

John’s homecoming from work is a pivotal point in our day. Our other activities hinge around this point. Being a SAHM has allowed me to prepare for John’s arrival from work. Since we’ve been back here in SA he has to travel an hour to and from work on a very windy and dangerous road. I like to have the kettle warmed and something to eat for him. I try to look fairly presentable and not to be too busy with my own things for when he gets through the door. Doesn’t always happen and he is fine with it, but it is my focus point.

Throughout the years his homecoming has looked different but that’s because family life always looks different, depending upon the season of life we’re in… and the ages of the children.

Currently, we (those who are home) zip around the house and do a quick tidy about 4.30pm. John gets home about 5pm and the boys go outside and help him in with his stuff. I greet him at the door and we share a quick kiss while the boys make us a cuppa. Then we all tend to congregate in the lounge-room and share about our day. This is quite possibly my favourite time of the day. I want home to be a special place, a place where family members love to be and greeting them is an important part in building this.

When the children were little I encouraged each child to think of something special that only they could do for daddy. It was to be their job for when he got home. This wasn’t done in a slavish way instead I used it as a training opportunity… to teach the children how to show appreciation and how to think of others. One of the girls would make the cuppa’s while the other would make sure that John’s chair and ‘area’ were tidied. Now that the girls are older and either left home or not home when he gets home it is the boys turn. It isn’t about being male or female, it’s about showing appreciation and serving one another.

I try to ask John how his day has been and give him plenty of room to talk before I start blabbing on about my day. Of course being the talker that I am this doesn’t always work. Sometimes it seems that he doesn’t even want to talk about his day and – maybe he doesn’t! Other days he does. It’s all fine with me… I have come to accept that he doesn’t need to flap his gums as much as I do.

This might all seem a little extreme to some but I know what I like and don’t like when I’ve been out for a few hours or even away from the home. It’s nice to have my loved ones take a little effort and let me know that they missed me and that they think I’m a bit special. And my man is special… I enjoy showing him my love and appreciation.

We Argued Over Fireproof

I’m probably the last Christian in Australia to see the movie but finally… I watched it! Fireproof, that is.

Funny story with it though. I had told Miss A that I wanted to watch it one day when it came out on DVD. So, for an anniversary (in late June) present she bought it for John and I. she also purchased the book, The Love Dare and gave it to us as a gift. I didn’t want to watch the movie too late at night as I’m not real coherent at night. I didn’t want to stuff the movie into a 2 hour time slot in between softball and housework…I wanted to watch the movie and savour it. John however didn’t show an overwhelming interest in watching it- in fact he didn’t even bother to read the blurb on the back! Whenever we wanted to watch a movie and I would suggest it… he would always find an alternative. I don’t know why, it just was that way.

The months went by and it sat in the tv hutch, unopened.

One morning over a cup of coffee, John started telling me that he watched the last half hour of a really good movie the night the before. It was on Foxtel…He said that we should watch it together or as a family. He started telling me the story line and seemed quite taken with the movie. By now the storyline was starting to sound familiar so I asked what the name of the movie was. He couldn’t remember so looked it up on the tv guide. What do you think it was? Yup, you were right!

Fireproof!

Boy oh boy, was I mad? I was livid! I was so hurt, so frustrated, so downright angry! I didn’t say a word but just glared at him. Miss A couldn’t believe it…she couldn’t believe the irony of it all and she burst out into tears. Tears… of laughter!! Poor John had no idea what had just happened as his wife just stood there, shooting daggers at him with her eyes.

I was so cross I couldn’t speak so I just stormed off to the bathroom. John tried to follow and ask what the problem was but I was too mad to respond sweetly so I just shushed my mouth, but inside I was seething.

Eventually he gave up trying to find out what the issue was and went back out to the lounge room whereby Miss A retrieved the unopened DVD from the hutch and asked him if that looked like the movie. N o w … he got it! At that moment, he understood.

I emerged from the bathroom eventually…to be greeted by my sweet husband who had a sheepish grin on his face. Of course we kissed and made up. Over time I put it out of my mind and ‘gave it up’. I wasn’t going to watch the movie alone so I ‘gave it over to the Lord’.

Several months later … on holidays

John often takes a few days or weeks to ‘leave work’ and get into holiday mode but this year I think he got into holiday mode before he even finished work! It was great. Having no plans one day, we decided to watch a movie. I handed a few movies to the family and the consensus was “Fireproof”. So Fireproof it was!

It was great! We all loved it. Sometimes Christian movies are lacking in various areas but I thought that this was really well done. I found it to be a powerful, thought-provoking, attitude-changing movie. Not one that most non believers would watch but certainly one that a lot of Christians would view. It was fantastic for the children to watch too- even at their different ages of 12, 14 and 18years old.

I’ve done quite a few ‘marriage’ and womanhood courses in our 22 years of marriage. Some of the were good, some were unbalanced. This movie though, was pretty spot on!

I think it’s quite funny (in a sad, ironic, weird way) that we had an argument/misunderstanding over Fireproof. The movie revealed things to us even in its unopened state. My old fleshly nature, my pride… me, me, me! I was revealed throughout the whole event.

14. I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself – after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison.
15. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.
16. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!
18. I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it.
19. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.
20. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.
22. I truly delight in God’s commands,
23. but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
25. The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Romans 7: 14-25

Have you watched FireProof? What did you think of it? Have you ever had an argument or acted out in the flesh over something that was supposed to spiritually edifying?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5lSu6GkC2k

Feel as though I'm 18 again

Oh goodness, I’m like a giddy schoolgirl. I’m so excited that I can barely think straight, let alone do all the necessary things for today.

Guess who got an early mark?

Guess who has just left Victoria (the state) and is driving home today?

Guess who will be home later tonight?

Can you guess? Do I have to spell it out?

Okay, I know the photo is 21 years old but that doesn’t mean that we necessarily feel any older. I still feel the same dizzy happiness at being with my man.

And yes, he’s coming home tonight!

Only eighteen days to go

21 years ago...our marriage

Only 18 days left…til John comes home!

In that time I’ve had my dad leave to go back to Broken Hill, my youngest daughter leave home and my eldest son have his first night at Youth group.

Still yet to happen:

Eldest daughter is to go away and return from softball tournament.
Younger daughter to have interview with ADF (Aust. Defence Force)
Youngest son to celebrate his 12th birthday (which will be postponed till John arrives home, no doubt)
Aside from that I need to get some things done- you know, pampering, feminine things in preparation for hubby’s return.

Ah to say that I can’t wait for his return would be a huge understatement… I love him with every dot point of my being. He’s my best friend, my lover, my playmate, my confidant, my shoulder-to-cry-on, my encourager, my truth-teller, father-to-my-children and my husband.

He…is… John.

Things you may not know about my husband:

He has never said a word about my weight, even when I was very overweight.
He always encourages my fitness fads- year after year after year after year.
He listens to me.
He makes me laugh.
He frustrates me.
He has always encouraged me with homeschooling.
He has always supported me in anything I wanted to do or try, even when it meant the yuck factor for him (e.g: my stints with healthy, raw foods).
He has the most gracious man I have ever met (It’s not my story to tell, but he has had some real rubbish thrown at him over the years and has always been the epitome of grace).
He is the most patient and forgiving man I have ever known.
He only knows two speeds – flat out or a complete stop!
When working on a project, will work obsessively until it is finished.
He tirelessly fixes my websites when I crash them.
Is a great husband and provider.
Is a great father.

There is heaps more that I could say… but I won’t. 😉 Suffice it to say that I cannot wait until he gets home!

If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them!

You’ll be so glad you did.

Okay, what am I rambling about? Many years ago, when I was a young wife, my husband used to follow the football (Go Crows! AFL) My childhood was spent playing softball in summer and going to watch mates play baseball in winter. Football just didn’t enter into my life at all. Actually I never understood the rules and thought it was a little silly that grown men would chase an oval shaped ball all around a field. The strategic game of physical chess, called softball, was much more my style.

As newlyweds we would often have visitors over on the weekend: we loved entertaining! However, on a Saturday or Sunday the footy would come one and the men would disappear and the women would find them shouting and cheering at the television as they watched the football. I slowly became more and more frustrated as the months and years wore on. I really did not like how the football came between John and me. I didn’t like the feeling of “the men watch footy while the women do their thing‘. Oh, my husband didn’t do anything that made me feel like that but other guys did, as did their own wives. It just seemed to be the ‘norm’. ;(

So what’s a gal to do? I have learned that if you can’t beat ’em, then join ’em!!!!

Yes, I have been a mad Crows supporter for years and years now. You know what? My husband loves it! We have a ‘date’ time every week where we plan something to nibble, provide an activity for the children, if they don’t wish to support with us, and we have our footy time. It’s just one of the things we do together to help build and maintain our relationship.

In your own life, have you decided to ‘join ’em’ rather than nag or try to change something in your husband?

To Have and To Hold

Seventeen years ago my life drastically changed…all with two little words…but oh, so much more than words.

“I do”

The commitment that goes with those words is life changing…breath-taking..awesome.

I studied a man on Saturday…looked deep into his face and saw the lines around his eyes, the greying hair and other things that tell of the passing years. But I didn’t see that…instead I saw a man who has accepted me wholeheartedly. A man who would lay down his life for me, who has given up some of his dreams in order to provide for me; a man who has stood by me and continually thinks of my welfare. A man whom I’ve shared both tears and laughter with, angry words and forgiving words…has been there like no-one else ever has for me. Deep, true and honest love welled inside of me at recalling memories of my husband.

Yet, I was also reminded that there is One who knows even more of me…who has had to forgive more and sacrifice more for me. He bought me at a great price…who rescued me even when I didn’t realise that I needed it. He completely gave of Himself, emptied Himself so that I could be *His*. What great and glorious love is this…that I might live in Him.

Thank you Lord, thank you for marriage and the picture of You that it is. Thank you for loving me completely and the great sacrifice you made to make me yours.Thank you for making me your *beloved*.