I recently posted that I don’t parent from fear now. And I don’t anymore. But I did. And I see similar actions from young parents- tactics used to control, cajole, manipulate or micro manage their children. I see some parents who are so scared of letting their children make mistakes.
I’ve also met some adults (young and slightly older) who have been parented by these methods. And sadly, they have turned their back on God, rejecting His way and going after a life of fun and temporary pleasure.
Losing my voice
When one of my children was 14 she started to go off the rails. She rebelled against us, God and everyone else that she perceived as authority. And as is typical with this particular child when she does something she does it well – to 100% of her ability. Being such a young age, everyone (friends, church members, other homeschoolers, etc) got to see her rebel against God, family and homeschooling. Suffice to say it has been the most difficult period in my life… but God has been good (of course!) and has revealed Himself to me in a way that I needed.
My daughter did all this early and publicly, or so it felt because I was involved at church and in the homeschool movement. I started to feel like the example – what not to be or not to do. Ouch.
On a personal level, I lost my writing/speaking voice. I totally lost my confidence. I had nothing to say. I felt useless and worthless and as though I had nothing to offer anyone. I felt that people only wanted to hear of the positive, glowing success stories and my child didn’t fit in that mold. Guess what? She still doesn’t. We don’t fit in that mold either. And largely nothing has changed. People still want to hear the glowing, positive reports… until they have a child who starts to look sideways- then my inbox gets busy.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
~2 Cor 1:3-4
Back to those young adults…
Unlike my daughter they appeared to be good, Christian, homeschooled kids… until they hit about 17 or 18 years of age. Things have started to go downhill… very quickly. In fact, some of those young people are doing the things that my daughter was doing years ago. Except my daughter isn’t doing all that any more. She has learned a lot (she still has a long way to go, but that’s God’s job, not mine) and now manages her own home. But these young people I know have now gone off the rails. What’s the difference between my daughter and them? Not a thing. Except they are older and because of that, it doesn’t seem as bad. But it only seems that way because it isn’t as public. But the same attitudes are there; have fun, party hard, hate authority, parents, etc.
But God is a big God.
I was saved by grace. I couldn’t have saved myself. When (not if, but when) my child realises their salvation and has a revelation from God I want them to know the truth – that they are saved by grace, through faith. I know he has a plan and a purpose for my children and their salvation. God is a God of salvation. Redemption is His business!
What have I learned during this journey?
Heaps! But writing concise summations are not my strong point. I don’t know really but a few things come to mind… don’t be too quick to look at others and judge. Don’t look for formulas. Don’t try to micro manage our children. Don’t parent from fear. Accept that I cannot obtain salvation for my child. Accept that I can’t train them to be a Christian. Applying lists and rules and guidelines are just that – lists. Don’t micromanage their attitude but look to their heart and treat it gently, tenderly. Everything I do needs to be seasoned in grace and only motivated by a deep and sincere relationship with the Lord Jesus.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
~2 Corinthians 12:9
Oh, in case you hadn’t realised… I found my voice again!
I can’t say much right now, but this has caused the tears to flow. Thank you Susan for your honesty and grace.
Thank Jenny, and thanks also for popping in! I hope your tears are tears of joy or something similar. I know when I eventually started to open up about this issue and people WOULD be gentle I would just want to burst into tears. I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
She Gets it!!
I am blessed to be your husband
Awww shucks. Nearly as blessed as I am – at being your wife 🙂
Susan, thank you for your honesty and courage to share so much in your writings. Nearly all you’ve written above is me (yep, one of our DDs too), except I haven’t got quite as far along as you yet. God has been using your blogging to help me understand my mistakes. I can’t write this without tears either.
Thanks, please keep writing. Lis
Hi Lis,
Funny but years ago it felt like we were the only ones going through this sort of thing. I felt so alone. Like no other Christian homeschool family would ever know of such things. But I only felt that way because everyone is so silent about it – they’re probably in self preservation mode though. Keeping silent about this type of issue doesn’t really help anyone though, does it?
Susan,
I love your honesty. Having seen my sister go through something similar with her the 15 year old son, I have an idea what you went through. Just an idea mind you. As being an Aunty is totally different to being a parent. I am so sorry you have felt judged over this. (But I’m not surprised, unfortunately).My sister & her husband were too.
I actually prefer blogs that are transparent and show the good, the bad and the ugly.
I’m glad you have your voice back! You have so much to give and I always glean wisdom from your posts.
Hi Jo, Yes, I know you’ve been aware of my situation for a little over a year now. I appreciate your cyber friendship. Yes, even though you may only have an idea as being a parent is different, at least you know that even Christian parents don’t have a 100% parenting rate. That’s a good thing to be aware of 🙂
Blessings,
Thank you ladies, for your encouragement and thoughts. It means a lot to me, to be listened to and taken seriously. Don’t we all feel like that when we open up and are transparent? But as sisters in Christ, isn’t that what it’s all about? 🙂
It is always hard being on the outer circle of all the ‘groups’ because of expectations. We have dealt with that a lot, especially of late, and it is still raw. Just truly admitting the faith it takes to love your kids but leave them to God’s hands is such a hard thing to do, especially when they are going in a direction you have ‘fought’ so hard against. It is so true that parenting in fear is so against what God teaches and parents us. I am still learning to parent in faith and not fear. Thank you for sharing your heart, Susan. It is through sharing our own hurts we are able to also share what we learnt from them.
Hi Bek,
((((( Hugs ))))) from me to you. I am still learning to parent in faith and grace and not from fear. I’m just a little quicker at realising the fear and pressure nowadays. It’s all part of the work that God wants to do in me – parenting is a vehicle that He has chosen to do His transforming work in me. How can I not be thankful for that, especially when He cares for my children, all of them, so much more than even I do? 🙂
You were certainly not alone. We went through similar with our two girls and still are to some extent. We weren’t silent about it. All our friends, family, church and homeschool acquaintences knew all the depth of our troubles. We just weren’t on the net then 🙂 Some people did make us feel like failures but on the whole we ffound people (at least the ones whose opinion we valued) very helpful and supportive.
New home schoolers need to remember that Salvation is of the Lord, and not assume that going this route is the answer.
Hehee, I love what you wrote… “we just weren’t on the ‘net then”. I wish we geographically closer, Ruby! I’ve found the more I truly open up and am transparent, the less people treat me like a failure. Maybe there is fear behind it all, for them too. And amen sister! Salvation is of the Lord!
Oh, just adding. Does it mean we have no voice? Can we not share the nuggets of wisdom gained even through the bad? I think your blog shows that and I hope when I grow up I can share some sense around too. 🙂
Oh I agree. Even though I don’t like to be a Negative Nancy, it is in our struggles an dour weaknesses that we learn from each other… grow and mature and all those good things. And ruby, really? When you grow up? Oh dear, you’re one the bloggers I respect the most- if you’re not grown up then what is there for the rest of us?
😉
Thanks for sharing this Susan. I struggle so much at the moment – with my teenager, with being a single Mum, with not being “perfect”, nor having “perfect” kids! It’s funny how we always think everyone else has got everything together outwardly … and yet we all suffer from insecurities and “fears” which ultimately hold us back from receiving and sharing the Grace that God gives each one of us. I love popping into your blog and reading your pearls of wisdom. Thank you for always being yourself and so REAL … Fee x
Hi Fee,
It’s a tendency we all have, isn’t it? To think that everyone has it together – everyone except us? Mind you, I don’t think blogging helps! There are so many beautiful blogs that leave me feeling awfully inadequate. It’s not their fault, I just need to remember that a blog tends to be a snippet of people’s lives and not the sum of it. 🙂
Hi Susan, I’ve started reading this post, but I’ll be back to finish this one and read a few others in the next few days. My husband just finished his job today (on the shutdown in Melbourne) and I have been busy packing everything up to leave this house tomorrow. We are staying with my parents in law and I am looking forward to catching up on some blogs. I’ll be back! xxx 🙂
Wow, this sounds like a quick, unexpected move, Sarah?
Coming to this late, havent’ had time to read blogs much in the past week!
Thanks for your honesty Susan, I can understand how you would have felt judged, oh I hate that word! anyway, sorry on behalf of all those people that judged you:(
I would like to hear more on ‘parenting from faith and not fear’ if you are able to expound on that one for us younger ones…..I don’t cajole or manipulate especially because I have a very compliant child but I wonder sometimes if I’m micro managing her especially because she is my only child? I need to think about that some more…..anyway, I’m always open and looking for more wisdom on how to parent her so I am all ears 🙂 hope this makes sense:)
Hi Rosemary,
I would love to write more about parenting from fear and not from faith but I can only write on this topic as God gives me the words and as I have time to process thoughts. Otherwise, it all just comes out as a jumbled mess. However, I will certainly try, as I am able. 🙂
Parenting and only child comes with its own set of hurdles, doesn’t it? There are a ton of websites devoted to large family management but not so much when it comes to the only child. I wonder why that is so… it is not less demanding and has its own needs. Hmm, food for thought. Bless you!
Thanks Susan!
And, I did see all those links under ‘homeschooling an only child’ in the AHS Forum, thanks for those too:) I read through quite a few of the links and there was some very helpful information there,
.thanks heaps
Rosemary
Wow, I so appreciate your honesty. We have been through a tough journey with our oldest daughter, who is now 16 and doing very well. But for a year it didn’t look so good. I had to get to the point of true surrender and realize that I am not the Holy Spirit….I can’t save my children by being a great parent. But I got to watch God do His work in her life. Now we are beginning to struggle with our 14 yr old dd. Everything is fine as long as she gets to decide what she will do and when she will do it. But as soon as we insist on anything, even if it is a small thing, she just refuses to do it. She just says no, outright, and if we don’t go along there is trouble. I really am at the point of sending her to school….except she says she won’t go. Will I have to call the police and make her go to school? She is actually a pretty good kid on most ways. She is just incredibly stubborn.
Hi Lynn,
Thanks for popping by and taking the time to comment. I love that you have written. 🙂
Although no expert, it does sound like sending your daughter to school may not be the best thing for her at this stage. It might even send her a message that you don’t want to send. Young ones are funny like that. They pick up all sorts of messages- ones that we don’t even meant to send yet they read into it. She may read/hear that you don’t like her behaviour so sending her away is the only way to deal with it. When in reality, that could be the worst thing for her.
I’ve noticed that for every negative character trait my children seem to have, there is ALWAYS a positive aspect to it- if I look hard enough. Our job is to pray and observe and discern what that positive element is and then foster it – guide and nurture it.
E.g: a child who who has *stickability* can be viewed as being tenacious and having perseverance (positive trait) or stubborn (negative). Often it is how we view these traits and how they are nurtured and developed that is the key.
Yes, I have had two very stubborn children, both girls. Some keys that I have used over the years are:
Create an atmosphere of affection, understanding and mutual respect at home.
Learning to choose the battles is important.
Not everything needs to be My Way or the High Way.
Listening to them is very important. I think it is part of their receiving love language.
Not arguing with them. Learning to live in the Spirit more… not react out of anger but keeping calm and peaceful.
Develop mutual respect.
Teaching them about their own character traits and encouraging them to take responsibility of it.
Helping the children to discern their own feelings and thoughts so that they can attempt to work through it- by recognising it for what it is.
Be the example.
Pray.
Bless you,
Good Morning Susan, thank you so much for sharing this open heartedly! It is a tough business training and disciplining our children and praying and hoping they walk the path we want for them. But like you said we can’t control that when they reach a certain age, and my Mum always says they are in God’s hands now! xxx
Hi lovely Sarah!
Too true, too true! Mum knows best 😉