youth

No Teens Here

There was a time when I banned the word ‘teen’ from our home. Being that the concept of ‘teenagers’ is a relatively new phenomenon we wanted to avoid the whole drama that seems to be synonymous with those teenage years. But you may have noticed that I have changed. I dont’ avoid the word teen. I use it. What changed?

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen and nineteen.

Teen is in the word.

We have never embraced the typical teenage stereotype. It is and excuse to avoid maturity and responsibility and we don’t want to enable that. But being a teenager is more than chronological age… it is an attitude! But a true teenage attitude is a far cry from what society tells us it is. Avoiding a word isn’t going to make an awful lot of difference, in my opinion. Rather addressing the modern attitudes that define a ‘typical teenager’ will.

Today’s typical teenager will:

rebel against their parents and all authority
avoid responsibility
forms stronger ties with friends rather than family
and more. Much, much more.

And we, society, have come to accept this as normal. When and where did our expectation change? Society has adopted such a ridiculously low expectation of teenagers… this isn’t a word, it’s an attitude! We need to have higher expectations for our children during their ‘teen’ years and teach them that they can indeed rebel. They can rebel against the low expectations set by society!

Rather than tell my teens that they ‘can’t do this and they can’t do that’ I tell them what they can do – and the list is so much bigger!

I’ve had my eldest child join The Rebelution and now my 15yods is reading Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations. As my children got older and became teens I’ve tried to spend less time majoring on the words and more time discussing their purpose and possibilties with them. If you want to know more, you can start here with The Myth of Adolescence.

The bottom line for me is to call my children by terms that have high expectations… and after discussing what it truly means to be a ‘teen’ I feel quite comfortable in calling my young adults as ‘teens’. Barb Shelton has an interesting post on this topic. Check it out.

For me, the emphasis is on Concepts, not words. Ideas, not labels. Opportunities not avoidance. Possibilities not fear.

What about you? What terms do you use and why?

More Parenting Myths

Some readers may remember my heartfelt posts I wrote last year. Dana, from Living Stones, has been known to visit this blog and I’m a regular reader of her encouraging blog. Recently she wrote a few posts that I really wanted to highlight. Her first was ‘Teenagers- Letting go so God can work‘ and the next one is ‘Teenagers-welcoming them home‘

Over the years I have battled The Myths – the myths of parenting, of homeschooling, of homemaking, of being a Proverbs 31 woman, etc. Many times I have been left feeling exposed or vulnerable from sharing my life as I do not strive to live up to expectations set by religion or man or even my perception of God’s expectations!

I hate the myths! They don’t serve us or compel us toward godliness. They stifle us, hurt us, heap condemnation upon us and do ugly things to our mind… yet so often we persist in perpetuating these myths. Why? Because of fear. We’re scared that other’s will see us as the not-so-perfect family or whatever. Ultimately, I think the motive is fear. But the opposite of fear is love, power and a sound mind. Oh many myths sound gucci; so much so that we desire them but they are not based on sound reason or even from love but from a desire to appear good. Oi voi! What a mess. We need to continually be lining our hearts up against God’s word and applying His truths to our whole lives- even our parenting lives and our homeschooling lives!

Anyway, I’ll leave you to visit Dana’s site and to seek God.

Our unschooling teen: day in the life of…

Leonie posted a day in the life of her unschooled teen. I enjoyed reading it so thought I’d ask ‘Miss A’ ‘s permission to write her day. Some days are similar to this and other days are completely different to this. Now she is working again, (she had to leave her other job to relocate to SA) our rhythm is changing again. It’s been fantastic to have her home with me full time and we did make the most of it knowing that she’d go back to work soon.

She awoke at 7am and did some stretching and then when straight into her morning workout. Today was resistance training using free weights. Then she made herself an omelette for breakfast. She did a quick check of her online forums and email. And yes, she can actually do a brief check, unlike me! Then, she went off to clean her room and get ready for work. She then came out and did some research reading on the subject of coffee and beans and then wrote on her blog about it. This of course, led to her experimenting with our machine to get the ‘perfect crema’ from the espresso. While she was there she made the rest of us cappuccino’s and hot chocolate for the boys while we sat and talked about…coffee! We were talking about making our own blends and what particular roasts are good to blend.

Then it was time to go to work. She starts at 12pm but we needed to zip over to the coffee shop and buy some freshly roasted beans…I dropped her off at work a few minutes early so we had 15 minutes to sit for and talk. This was a short chat but we girls can get straight to the heart of the matter, discussing emotionally deep and personal issues. I love these chats and she loves to hear my thoughts on things and she mostly wants to hear what the Bible has to say on the many things that go through her mind. Today she has a 4 hour shift so she’ll finish at 4pm. While on the way back home I got a call from the school. ‘Miss R’ isn’t well and I stop off at the school to pick the poor poppit up and bring her home.

Meanwhile, the boys had tended to their morning chores and did some reading and while I was zipping ‘Miss A’ to work they found the family tent and set it up. This is a large tent and it took them awhile but they want to ‘camp out’ tonight. 🙂 So ‘Miss R’ I arrived home – we all regroup and then have lunch. (1pm)

(4.30pm) John (dh) picked ‘Miss A’ up while on his way home from work and they arrive home by 5pm, by which time I have the cappuccino machine ready to pour all the coffee’s and we sit together and discuss everyone’s day.’Miss A’ does another quick check of her email & Internet (and is totally excited as she receives an email from a good friend who wants to come and stay for a few days- a friend from Brisbane. She responds excitedly) Then she helps with setting the table and meal preparation, all the while involved in family discussion. Our tea times are always loud and rowdy with most of us giving our opinion on anything and everything. I was fairly organised so there wasn’t an awful mess to clean up after tea. All the children contribute toward cleaning up. This is great but it’s awfully noisy!

After tea, ‘Miss A’ popped on the treadmill and did a 30min cardio workout. She listened to some praise music while running and then comes out to tell me some thoughts she’s been having about a scripture. Then she sat with me and we watched some TV while surfing the ‘net on her laptop. She’s heavily researching and learning about coffee and barista work as this is an area she wants to go further in. She is tinkering with the idea of one day opening up her own coffee shop. She talks to me incessantly about her dreams, ideas and passions. We laugh together at the sometimes corniness of it all…but it’s what we do. It’s what makes us have such a close relationship. We live together, laugh together, dream together and sometimes, cry together.

She headed off to bed with a good book (she’s on book 5 in the Gods and Kings series). Problem is; she often stays awake until the early hours reading these good books! But these books have been such a source of inspiration and knowledge…we speak about it frequently and share our learning from these books.

‘Miss A’ is mostly self managed but she likes me to be involved. I don’t mind because I know that she is an independent learner and capable person but she simply *likes* to have me around. Today she didn’t do any fitness reading and writing but on another day she will. She also didn’t do any of the Business Maths that she has on the go but she will at another time. Another day she will do Bible study and/or cook a family meal or go and do the shopping or help me with the housework or do some work with the boys. Each day is different but is packed with learning activities. Her days simply don’t look like a structured schooly system…but I know she is learning and she knows it too. It works well for her and for us as a family. The day doesn’t sound that interesting or exciting and truth is, it probably isn’t. It’s the relationships within the day that make it all worthwhile…the manner in which she lives her day- full of purpose, knowing that she is operating in and developing her passions and God given talents, while strengthening her weaknesses. I’ve found that over the course of the semester or the year she delves into most, if not all, subject areas. She has grown as a person, as a daughter of the King. And in the end, we’re all thankful for the ability and opportunity to be home-based-learners.

What about you? Care to share a day in the life of your teen? (With their permission, of course)

Don’t Neglect This Important Test

Paranoid teens? Hormonal headaches? Losing interest in things?

Maybe.

But maybe they just need their eyes tested!

A few years ago, one of my daughters would often ask John and I, “What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Our response would be along the lines of, “You’re our beautiful daughter. Of course we look at you!”

But she often thought we were giving her a dirty look and would often respond accordingly. ~sigh~ We weren’t of course, but she couldn’t see us clearly and couldn’t make out the look on our faces. When we would watch a family movie, she often lost interest and would go to bed and read, despite her love for movies. She complained frequently of headaches. So off to the optometrist we went. Not just any optometrist though. I searched for a behavioural optometrist that works with children. Well, as it all turned out the poor lass did need glasses and quite strong ones at that. My darling daughter couldn’t believe how much clearer the world was when wearing the glasses. She is no longer paranoid and thinking we are ‘looking’ at her angrily. She can see our facial expressions quite clearly now. The headaches have also gone. Praise the Lord!

Just a few months ago, I noticed that our older daughter, the athlete, was squinting to see the catcher. She couldn’t see the signals. Her solid fielding of grounders dropped also. Off we went for a check-up. Lo and behold she needed glasses too! She also has contact lenses for playing sport. She is still totally amazed at how clear the world is. She says that she ‘missed out’ on seeing so much as it just wasn’t clear! If she wasn’t playing sport I probably wouldn’t have picked it up and taken her to be checked over. Many children get their eyes tested after a recommendation from a school teacher. Sometimes the children can’t see the blackboard. As homeschooler’s we don’t sit at the back of the class and read from the blackboard (which is a good thing!) but that also means that we may not pick up on a problem quite as quickly as if they were in school. It’s easier for the child to naturally compensate for blurry vision by moving closer or adjusting their position.

Whenever I go to the optometrist they get me to look through a lens to show me what each child sees. Wow! I couldn’t believe how poor the vision of my girls was. No wonder Bek thought we were giving her dirty looks. No wonder she couldn’t be bothered to watch a movie- she couldn’t see it! No wonder ‘Miss A’ couldn’t see the catcher’s signals- all she could see was the outline of the catcher, let alone their fingers! But the girls also didn’t realise their vision was so bad. As with many things that creep into our lives it happened slowly, little bit by little bit so it went unnoticed.

Please, listen and watch your children closely. Take them for a check up. It won’t hurt and you might be glad you did.

Optometrists.com.au is a good site. This article suggests that some learning delays can be attributed to a child’s poor visual system.
Search the Optometrist Association of Australia to find one near you.

Teaching Character or a Code

A previous post brought forth a few comments. One of those comments was a concern with something I had written about not using the Bible to ‘teach character’. You can read the original post here. I really had meant to address this much earlier than this but time has gotten away from me. Even now, I will be doing a rush job with writing this response but I did want to write before we go on holidays and get back in the New Year. I will try to clarify my thoughts on ‘character’. As always, feel free to agree or disagree. All I ask is that you be polite as you let me know your thoughts. I absolutely love it when people ask me to clarify my thoughts or writing. It helps me to more fully process and consider things. So thanks to Pure and Sensible for bringing her concern to me and asking me to clarify. I really appreciate that.

I previously wrote

I can see some characteristics of God in people: strength, courage, boldness, humility- these are characteristics I want my children to learn?I don’t believe it always has to come only from Scriptures. In fact, I wonder if sometimes that can have a negative affect. I don’t teach my children character traits from the Bible.

Pure and Sensible wrote

Interesting POV. (I personally haven’t read LOTR and unfortunately, I don’t know what FOTR means, but I will keep this in mind as my children get older.) Precious woman of God, I’m mostly concerned and a bit conflicted inside about your thoughts of the Bible and character issues. I’m not saying that I totally disagree with what you said about teaching character traits from people. I love to read fictional stories and biographies for character lessons and use them quite often. And I definitely think that teaching character without modeling isn’t effective, if not useless. But, without the Word of God? You said, “I don’t teach my children character traits from the Bible.” I uphold the Bible as Truth and believe in training up my children using Scriptures. I want to teach God’s ways, not man’s opinions, and the only way to do this is to know Truth (by reading and applying the lessons learned from the Bible – being doers of the Word, not just hearers). God never changes, but man does. I probably just completely misunderstood the point you were trying to make. And I apologize in advance if I am misunderstanding you – I really do not want to offend you. I believe I’ve been to your blog before and have found it quite enjoyable.

I don’t use the word of God to teach a set rules/code of behaviour but I will proclaim the message of God and trust that the Holy Spirit will teach them what He wants to teach them. Their salvation is not dependent upon me teaching every character trait. It is dependent upon God! I can’t teach someone into salvation. What is the point, the goal of teaching the children? Is it that they become fine, moral, upstanding citizens or to usher them into the presence of the Almighty God? Two different issues and two different ways to go about it.

I teach character through modeling- real life- being an example. I use fiction and other good books. I use the lives of other people and other real life situations. I don’t use the word of God but I allow the Holy Spirit to use God’s word to teach me. Sounds like I’m being picky with words? I don’t mean to be…there is a difference.

The Bible is our greatest teacher for all things, including character. No doubt about that. But, how do I present it to my children? How do I learn best in my own life?

I believe that in the younger years, it is more appropriate to teach direct character as a code. Do this, don’t do that, work hard, be generous, be honest, etc. We are teaching knowledge of character and also instilling many character traits as habit. However, older children need to be handled differently. 😉 As do resistant children. I do not have my children copy out passages that deal with a particular character trait. There was a time when I did. But what was my goal? What message was I trying to teach them? The nature of God, and of His great grace or how to please Him by my actions? There was a time when I studied character like that…almost like a mini unit study. I found it was good for me in building knowledge of character but not necessarily wisdom or understanding of that character trait. I guess it comes down to that age old question: Why do you do what you are doing? How are you doing it?

As we read through the Bible, we will come to many direct and indirect character teaching points. Proverbs is a great example of direct teaching. The life of Joseph or Esther is an example of indirect teaching. Proverbs are especially good with young children and also adults who are already desiring to follow God’s word. But, if and when I get to a point where I want to reach a child’s heart…to bring them to the foot of the Cross…to see them come to know the Father God directly for themselves then there is that time when I stop talking about morals and conduct and ‘should do’s’. A time when we focus our learning on the nature of God without learning all about us and our response. The Cross is the power of God unto salvation, not a good, moral, polite, well mannered life. Then again, we also spend more time and energy learning about the nature of God than the nature of man…for it is in understanding the nature of God, and what he has done for us, that we can rejoice! The study of God, the nature of God will, I believe, do more to teach character to our children than any character curriculum.

The path to heaven is not through a moral code. Diligence will not see my child saved into the kingdom of God! No matter how diligent or generous or hard working or honest (or insert relevant trait here) they are. Character will not save a person from their sins. Only the Cross of Christ can do that. So what should I spend more time and energy on impressing upon my children?

I’ll try to give a real life example

We read about the life of Joseph and his many trials. I don’t focus on what character traits he does or doesn’t display at this point. We do see God’s providence in all his life and circumstances but we see this because we have the benefit of hindsight- a panoramic view. Sometimes, we need to try and see this in our own life as well. So at this point, ‘I don’t teach character’. Maybe it’s also good to remember the ages of my children at this point. 😉 Naturally I write from the position of having older girls and I can forget what it was like when I had a house full of toddlers. Something may happen in our life or the life of my child. She might struggle at work with her boss. I might casually say,

“Oh, I’m reminded of Jospeh and how he was in a situation where he didn’t choose to be, yet he was respectful toward his boss nevertheless.” Now that’s all I’ll say! She has studied the life of Joseph. I don’t need to elaborate any more than that. I’m very aware that whatsoever learning my children dig for themselves is often when true understanding occurs, rather than just head knowledge. I’ll plant the seed and allow her to ponder that. I do not have to be the Holy Spirit in her life. He can do that and teach her what He will. I don’t need to lecture her or tell her the same lessons that I have taught her for years…it can just build a resistance or resentment in their heart. But again, this is with my older children. She is nearly 17 and having been homeschooled her whole life, she has had much one-on-one teaching. 😛

Having their heart turned toward me is the most important key. Without their heart, all the character training in the world can still just mean that they’ll rebel against me and/or God, but in an outwardly polite way!:roll: Character must come from the heart. If the message of the Cross, if our salvation isn’t what compels us toward strength and depth of character then what is the point?

How does God parent you? How has your character grown and developed over the years?

Through life experience and drawing nearer to God, learning about His nature or by learning about the how, why, where and when of a character trait? I try to parent my children as God parents me, especially in the years as they are growing more toward adulthood. Knowledge of character is one thing and that can be taught. True depth and strength of character is more caught than taught.

A dangerous notion that I have tried to steer away from presenting (directly or indirectly) is that by our efforts, we can obtain salvation. Because we can’t. We can never go further than or beyond the Cross. It is the centrality of our faith and I don’t want to teach my children any different.

So I assess my teaching: What do I spend more time and effort on teaching? Good character, habits, behaviour or the Cross of Christ? What do the children hear that I believe is most important?

I don’t want to give them the notion that God is a doddery old man, sitting up there somewhere, waiting with a big stick to send me to hell because of my character traits – for the narrow way isn’t about behaviour, manners or character- it’s about the Cross of Christ.

On the other hand, I don’t want to send the message that grace is cheap- because it wasn’t. If it is that cheap, then maybe it isn’t grace at all. So having been shown grace I am free to show grace to others. I am not bound by sin.

I have asked my children, “In your opinion, what do you think is most important to Mum? Homeschooling, God, academics, character, being good, softball, Internet or books?” Well, only try asking your children this if you are brave…you may not like their answers! 😉 😆

Character is all good…but it should also be a fruit of the Spirit- a fruit of the Holy Spirit in our lives, not a moral code or set of behaviour that we strive for. Again, it comes down to motive. What is our motive for desiring strong character? If the hope is to please God, then we will fail. If having been shown such great and marvelous grace, we are compelled to display more Christ-like qualities, then let us be imitators of Christ- and this will see us naturally grow in strength and depth of character.

Do you agree or disagree? Why do you do what you do? How does God teach you?

First job, resumes and all that…

When my daughter turned 15 we stopped paying for softball. Now softball is ‘Miss A’ ‘s delight. It is her passion. It is something that she has learned many valuable life lessons and skills from. She has worked hard and has reaped the rewards of that diligence. However, it was time for her to start to pay for it herself. 😉 Time to get a part time job and enter the wonderful world of The Workforce! What to do? Where to start? I had very little idea.

Firstly, she had to have her own banking account so we go to work on that. We decided to go with a bank that is Australia-wide as it will be needed seeing that we travel so much.

Then, she needed a Tax File Number. Hmmm, not as easy as the bank account. Most schools automatically do this for their students but homeschoolers have to do it the hard way 🙄 but the best way! 😛 My 14yodd has a TFN but doesn’t really understand what it is, nor how she would go about getting one by herself. ‘Miss A’ , the homeschooler, does but that’s because she has had to dig this information out for herself. So whilst it seems tedious or hard, it’s well worth it! Plus, in the process the student is still learning valuable life skills about the workplace environment, filling in forms, dealing with professionals, etc. (If it sounds like I’m putting my 14yodd down, I’m not. She fully admits to this herself and was happy for me to share this)

Next, she compiled her resume. She was a little concerned at first because the resume was, naturally, quite bare. I mean, if one needs a job to gain experience what experience could they have had to write on the resume? However, I think most employers are well aware of that catch-22 and they look a little deeper than the piece of paper. However, this piece of paper is often the first impression so it pays to do one’s best on it. I told ‘Miss A’ to research resumes on the Internet. She did. She then compiled her own resume and proceeded to deliver it to a few places.

Then, a friend from church suggested she try at a local Cake n Coffee House. She dropped her resume off, received a call back from the boss and then went in for an interview. The boss barely looked at the resume but spent a good deal of time talking with her. He also wanted to see me, which I thought was a good sign. usually I don’t think it is a good idea for Mums to attend interviews with their children. I believe employers desire to see fairly independent people but in this situation the boss asked me to attend as he realised and understood that ‘Miss A’ was still a junior and I would be responsible for getting her to and from work. I thought this was very good and wise of him. We all got to know each other. She started part time work within days. 😎

I have taken out the personal details but left the bare bones of ‘Miss A’ ‘s resume for others to glean some ideas from and see what is necessary in compiling their own resume. Once the basic resume is done it can be updated as necessary.

FULL ADDRESS
Telephone:
Email:

FULL NAME

Personal Details:
Date of Birth:
Address:
Telephone:
Mobile:
Email:

Profile and Strengths:

Excellent written and verbal communication skills acquired via study and real life relationships.
Strong sense of responsibility and ability to work independently.
Initiative and able to think on my feet.
Friendly and always enthusiastic to learn new things.

Objectives:
I am seeking the opportunity to expand my skills, knowledge and experience in a junior role. To gain more experience in the work force and become a valuable member of the work society I am involved in.

Education:

1997-2007: *Surname* Homeschool: Currently working toward year 11 and 12 certificate, with intentions of studying to achieve School Leaving Certificate in 2008.
2001: Basic First Aid Certificate

Work Experience:

2003- 2004: ST Softball Association Under 13 Girls team Assistant Coach.
2005- 2006: AW Softball Association U-14 Girls and Boys umpiring.
2007: Junior Games Pathway 5 week Coaching program, E Primary School.
2006- current: Cake House Barista.

Community Involvement:

Re Cycle 2006 with Community Church Brigade.
40 Hour Famine August 2006, Community Church.
Junior Games Pathway 5 week Coaching program, E Primary School.

Computer Skills and Experience:

Proficient in Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft Power Point, Image Programs, Internet, etc.
Operating Systems used: Windows 95, Windows XP, Linux.

Strengths and Interests:

Softball
Nutrition, fitness and Health
Youth Group involvement
Church attendance
Reading and studying
Family

Achievements:

2005: Coaches Award State National
2006: Selected in Australian Youth U/17 Softball Development Squad
2007: Captaining State U/16 Girls National Premiership
Receiving Most Valuable Player of National tournament
Selected in Australian U/19 Womens Squad.
Cake House Barista Course- Level 1.
Selected in U/19 Queensland Squad 2008.

References:
Name: Mr. _______
Position: State Head Coach U/16 Girls Softball Team
Phone:

Name: Mr. __________
Position: Current employer, *Name of Business*
Phone:

A few books that we read and discussed were:The Teenager’s Guide to Part-Time Jobs: Tips for Earning a Dollar by Samantha and David Koch

and The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education by Grace Llewellyn

Mother of a Prodigal

Oh Where, Oh Where have I been these last few weeks? I have neglected my blog. But that’s okay. I blog for myself, because I like to write: it helps me to process my thoughts. But I have been busy in the home. I’ve also been going through a difficult time and have felt very dry. You see, I have a child who is going through a time of rebellion against us and against God. Those who know me well will not be surprised to hear this…others may be. If you take a good look over my blog in recent months though, you will probably start to see it.

A few months ago, I thought of an acronym for parents of teens: POTS Parents of Teens. I lamented on how there seems to be a lack of POTS on the homeschool forums. I have spoken to a few POTS over the years and there are a few points that were common to many…points which I am now discovering for myself.

Parenting a teen…

Is many things; from exciting and adventurous to downright difficult. But it’s also a time of growing and relearning for a parent, for this parent. When I was the mother of younger children I was idealistic. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. If we don’t have any standards or values, then we will just go the way of modern culture but it’s necessary to remember what era we live in. We are raising children who will one day be adults in this world…not the era of the 1920’s or the ’70’s but this era. I have faced with some tough decisions over the years…some ideals I have been challenged on and others I have decided to be firm in. Being challenged is not always easy but always valuable. Through it we learn perspective and discernment.

What Is Your Measuring Stick?

I’ve learned that many things I once held dear and stood firm in are not actually rooted in God’s word. Sure they *sound* biblical, pure and noble (and there is nothing wrong with that) but I was holding fast to them as I thought it was God’s word…when in actual fact it can just be popular Christian culture. As fairly conservative Christian homeschoolers, we can often compare ourselves to other Christians and if we are stricter than them, we think we’re on the right path. Often we use the modern day church as our measuring stick. Instead we need to ask ourselves, “What does God’s word say about it?” Am I sure my answer to many teen struggles is based on God’s word, the church or what is socially acceptable?

Know what you believe and why and make sure it is from God’s word, not man.

I sense that many parents with younger children don’t want to hear the reality. The reality that some children, who have been raised to know the Truth, that have been thoroughly loved and respected just resist or worse, rebel against it all. I’ve heard the gazillion reasons of why this is happening…I’ve sensed the often unsaid comments from fellow Christians. I’ve felt eyes on us: as if by observing us people could avoid this happening to them by not making the same mistakes that we made. I’ve had it said that we have been too soft, too harsh, too protective, too liberal, too…, well I’m sure you get the idea. One person says it is because of reason A and another person will say it’s because of reason B, the exact opposite. Not that I actually ask too many people why…however simply being in this position, with a rebellious child, seems to allow many people to offer their opinion. All the parents that I know of desire the very best for their children (Sure I don’t know everyone and I know that this is not always the case but…). All the parents I know want to train their children to walk in the ways of God…for not only is the way of Truth and Life but the other way is paved with hurt and despair. No one wants that for their children. How helpful is it to look back and analyse every action? Will it change things? Sometimes, children just rebel…for no logical reason. We always want to find a reason, discover why, blame someone or something. But we must not forget the teaching of free will. And, the important thing as parents, is what we do from here…

So I have a child who is in rebellion…who does not believe or hold dear to the values that they were taught…that says they do not believe in God. Yes, this breaks my heart, and her father’s heart. It has also been very difficult to live each day amongst the problems that arise as a result of this conflict of belief. You may well imagine the time, effort, prayer and talks that are needed. Hence part of the reason for my absence. The other part is that this is all personal and there is much I won’t share (it is our business) but even while protecting our privacy I’m not sure the Australian homeschool community is being helped by this denial of rebellion. It just pushes POTS further away.

Refinement

It’s so easy to have all the answers when our children are in grades 5 and 6 or when things are rosy…it’s when the cookie crumbles that the true test of character and faith are tested. That’s when knowledge either becomes wisdom or remains at academic knowledge. A few years ago, while my children were younger, I believed that Proverbs 22:6 was a promise. After studying the passage contextually I now know it is a principle, not a promise. I used to believe that rebellion shouldn’t happen in a Christian home school family. Well, I now know that lots of things happen in this world that shouldn’t. It is called sin. My child has a free will. God gave it to her. She’s not the only one who has exercised her free will, nor will she be the last.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

For those that want to know what formula we’ve followed, I can honestly say there is none- unless you count “There but for the grace of God, go I” as a formula. We have trained, taught, loved, prayed, and laughed with our children. We have made mistakes. We have asked them to forgive us. We have forgiven them. We’ve lived with them and learned with them. You may wish to ask me what or how we’ve parented so that you can formulate a checklist of things not-to-do. Oh, for your children’s sake don’t do this. Applying lists and rules and guidelines in and of themselves are just that – a list. Everything we do needs to be seasoned in grace and only motivated by a deep and sincere relationship with the Lord Jesus.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2: 8-10

Not Parenting from Fear

A couple of friends have asked me why I’m not beside myself with fear. I know who I was and who saved me. And He’s a big God. I was saved by grace. I couldn’t have saved myself. When (not if, but when) my child gets saved, I want it to the same, through faith by grace. God saved me and I know he has a plan and a purpose for my children and their salvation. It is not for their salvation I fear as I know that God has them in His Book of Life. However, my mother heart grieves and is deeply hurt for the hurts and scars that can occur when living a life without God. But Father God knows them and He knows their heart and the journey they must walk.

God is a God of salvation. Redemption is His business!

So that’s where I’ve been and it’s where I am. I am not perfect. I do not have a perfect family. My children are not perfect. There are sites and blogs where Christian home school parents don’t seem to have any problems. If you’re looking for that, this blog is not the place you’ll want to visit. But if you want to read the posts of a real, imperfect home school mum who loves her family greatly, despite its own shortcomings, then you might want to mosey on through the archives. I say read the archives because I am thinking of closing this blog down for awhile. I blog primarily for myself- as a way to process, clarify and articulate my thoughts. However, I’m becoming aware that not everyone understands my posts and I do not wish to cause anyone confusion. Until I am able to devote more time to learning how to articulate myself clearly I need to take a break.

Rebellious Christian kids often share many similarities. They are blocking God out of their lives, parents annoy them, and family life ticks them off. They are capable of being stubborn, obstinate, argumentative, aloof, and moody. . . And proud of it. They often seem embarrassed by your outward commitment to God and disinterested in your spiritual advice. They are no longer fans of church and Sunday School . . . Truly rebellious kids push away family affection. (pg. 3)

Dr. Tim Kimmel, director of Family Matters a non-profit ministry whose goal is to build strong families for every stage and phase of life. He is the author of many books on the family, including Why Christian Kids Rebel: Trading Heartache for Hope.

Free Modesty Lapbook

This lapbook is designed for girls of all ages.Your daughter will explore the scriptures and see what God has to say about modesty. This study will challenge your daughters to evaluate their hearts (and their closets!).

Large lapbook, filled with great folded booklets. All you need to print out and assemble this lapbook is included. This is a great project to have for a keepsake, as well!

Courtesy to the wonderful folk at Homeschoolestore

Teenage Rebellion in the Homeschooling Family

This post was in response to a thread on an email group. The discussion was about the high incidence of teenage rebellion in homeschooled children.

Sadly, I think there is a lot of myth and fear surrounding the teen years, especially amongst home schoolers. We don’t need to stick our heads in the sand and only discuss that which we want to hear- we need to know what is happening.

Big Questions

I believe that there comes a time in everyone’s life where they start to examine and question the big issues of life: why are we here? Who put us here? What happens when we die? Our answer or thoughts to these questions make us do the things we do.

We want to teach our children these things that we have taken on as belief and faith. We do teach them. We homeschool so we can spend more time with our children, building the relationship, instilling values, etc

There comes a time when a child starts to question those big issues of life. That isn’t wrong- it is necessary if one is to grow and be an individual person (a child of God), rather than a sheep. I see this as a transference of faith– where the child may start to take responsibility for their relationship with God. They are able to go directly to God for themselves and not relying upon their mum or dad. (Of course this is when some parents start to get concerned as that relationship may appear different to their relationship with God)

What happens if this taking ownership of faith does not happen? Well, it still may shift but instead of relying upon Mum and Dad’s faith, they may rely upon someone else’s: their boyfriend, husband, pastor, friends, magazine, tv, etc (The enemy is vying for the heart of all and is actively working toward gaining it via any means). They either take ownership of the faith they were raised in or they transfer it and take the beliefs or faith of someone else.

I think that we make a grave mistake in looking for any kind of formula. We think that if we homeschool, then our children will turn out okay. But then we have to homeschool a certain way or it won’t ‘work’. We have to avoid this, avoid that, do this, don’t do that…Oh, it’s all so hard – so many rules.

I believe that many of us deeply believe that there is a formula:

1 child + homeschool = Success

I also believe that many of us believe there is a recipe for failure, and it looks like this:

1 child + school = Failure.

Oh, I know that when we see it written so boldly like that we don?t agree that we think that way but?when it gets down to the heart of the matter it is often what is in our heart.

A Matter of Grace

Raising children is a matter of grace, in my opinion. It isn’t about a formula or a recipe. Whether or not a person realises they’re forgiven and walks in it when they are 15 or 45 doesn’t change the fact that it’s all about GRACE. Salvation is a work of grace and after all, salvation is what most of us desire for our children more so than simply the appearance of right living.

If one does follow recipe number one : 1 child + homeschool = Success, then I have to ask, is it about them and their parenting methods or is it about God’s redeeming grace? We need to know and accept that we cannot obtain our child’s salvation! (Having accepted that we can start getting on our knees)

We can lead them to Him, lead them in the ways of Him…teach them all about Him, and teach them to obey us as parents…but that internal work of the heart – to respond to God and obey Him is not within our control. We are the messenger, the herald who proclaims the message. The onus is on the hearer to hear and obey.

So what can we do?

We can pray! We can proclaim the message unabashedly! We can live by example. We can train in matters of outwardness. And we can hope.

There will come a time in their life when they question what they believe…it might look shaky for awhile but if the foundation is solid (that foundation being the message- the message of the work of the Cross through Christ) then we can be assured that God will indeed graft them into the vine and call them His own. They will start to see this as their faith…their belief and not just that of their parents. This is a most BEAUTIFUL happening!!!! Truly wondrous!

I have met and had the pleasure of knowing a few Christian young people. Young ones who have a desire to serve God, to serve others and have a great relationship with their parents and siblings. Yet, they were not taught at home. They attended schools. Both public schools and private schools. Upon talking to their parent’s, I came to see that there are some common denominators: Relationship, time, love, acceptance, gentleness, firmness, boundaries, laughter, etc.

However, I still think we’re missing something in all this. It’s all too easy to look at family and judge their efforts or judge the fruit by the 16yo. However, I don’t believe that we can or should do that. I have heard it said, and I believe it to be true, that our true test of parenting isn’t seen until we watch how our children parent. How do our children parent our grandchildren? That’s when we see the fruit of our job.

We can’t look at a 15yo, who is mulling over the big issues of life and struggling with it (which can be a normal part of maturing into an independent adult), and judge a family by that! In the same way, we can’t look at a family who has an obedient and God-fearing 16yo and assume that they have it altogether, thereby desiring to emulate their parenting. We don’t know where that person will be when they are 30, once away from the watchful eye of parents and responsible for themselves. So often we look over the operative word in Proverbs 22: 6 “when he is old”, not when he is a teen.

I was speaking to a beautiful elderly man a few weeks ago at church. He had previously preached and I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned things. His son is an assistant pastor at the church (the elderly fellow isn’t a pastor) and preaches…just not quite as deep and insightful as his dad 😉 Anyway, we were talking about parenting and John and I questioned him about his parenting approach, as we usually do when we see the ripe fruit 😉

He encouraged us to do as much with our children as we could- to teach them God’s way, to love them, to laugh with them, to be firm with them and to not get too hung up over the teen years. He found out we home-schooled and was encouraging about that but he just kept saying the same thing:relationship! His children went to public school. I know of others who have sent their children to public school and they have grown to be productive fruits in the kingdom of God, serving Him with their lives.

I believe we’d do much better to study and learn about how God parents us! For He is the ultimate parent! How does he love, teach, guide, command us? What does He expect of us? Then as we relate our parenting from God, we may be parents after His own heart.

So with the whole rebellion thing…gee I went down a garden path there eh?

What do we really mean by ‘rebellion’?

Do we mean that the children haven’t adopted our way of thinking in every aspect…do they not adhere to ‘our’ standards of dress, music, etc or do we mean that they have discarded (turned their back on) the ways of God and His word?

Ah, it’s truly a big question I believe…and one that would be good thought and discussion for Australian homeschoolers as home education continues to grow and develop in this country.

As for me, I’ll keep praying for my children… I’ll keep living according to Micah 6:8. Keep proclaiming the gospel of Christ- salvation by grace through faith. And keep building relationships with them so that when the days of questioning come, they will see the Jesus living in me and know that Jesus is the way.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

Bible Study This Week…

We’ve been so busy house-hunting for a rental house that there hasn’t been much time for anything else. Anything else except AFL (Aussie Rules football, of course!). We drove to the Gold Coast on Saturday night to the watch the Adelaide Crows beat North Melbourne. It was a good night out.

I find it hard living in ‘limbo‘, not knowing what my week will hold. We could pack and move this week, next week or in two months time. Then there is the open inspections that we have to attend in order to see if a house is suitable. All this meant that we didn’t do any lessons last week- and it wore me out!

While this week may be similar, I really desire to at least do Bible study with the children. If nothing more is done, then that is fine…but at least I want the most important things tended to. I don’t need to do large, overwhelming lessons rather ‘here a little, there a little‘ lessons will enable me to reach the target.

I will be working with ‘Miss A’ this week, through a book called Help Me to Grow and it is by Rev. John Annells, who is a local Baptist minister in South Australia. He is also a lecturer at the Baptist Theological College and Tabor College. This study has been designed for the new Christian and while ‘Miss A’ has been raised in the ways and knowledge of God, this study will still be beneficial for her, as she slowly starts to make her way into the world. She will benefit in also learning to articulate her thoughts. She has a lot of knowledge and wisdom when it comes to being a believer but she often has difficulty in communicating her thoughts.

Anyway, this fabulous little book is available FREE online (as is most books from New Creation Teaching Ministries) so you can view the page here or download the pdf here. It is only 345 kb.

The boys and I will continue to go through ‘Training Hearts, Training Minds’, as we read the Scriptures. After finishing book 3 in the Kingdom series, we will go on to read Bridge to Terabitha. We are waiting for the next books in Kingdom Series to arrive from the US. Once we finish Bridge to Terabitha, we might go to the cinema to watch the movie. That will be a real treat- just the boys and I. Leonie posted the links to the movie site and a study guide that I will glean some tips from. Thanks Leonie!

What Bible study are you doing with your teens? I’d love to hear about it.

Training Children in Innocence or Ignorance?

In my day-to-day world of homeschooling, I often have cause to remember why we chose to homeschool…what is it exactly we are trying to teach or instil to our children?

Are we raising our children to live in this world as productive members of the community where God has planted them or are we raising them for something else? Like you, John and I live in this world. We are not of this world but we do live in it. We are quite aware of the worldly and sinful acts that are committed each day. We are also aware that Christ died for us while we were sinners. What makes me different from the people down the street who are keeping us awake and having John stay up all night to ward off stray drunkards from relieving themselves on our car? Is it that we are better? More pure? Or is it simply that God revealed Himself to us, and revealed His love to us through Christ the Saviour and that we (after having that revealed to us and having our eyes opened) saw and believed the truths of the gospel? It is the latter.

Some people live in a way that separates them from the mainstream world and this might be right for them, but it isn’t our life, nor the way we believe God would have us live or raise our children. Therefore, if my children are going to go into the world as adults, then they will need to be educated/equipped with skills to handle it. So, as we walk down the road of life we have our children with us all of the time. This has seen them exposed to many, many things which would make some Christians shudder but it fits in with our deliberate and purposed training plan for our children. There are things that we discuss, read and watch that may not be ‘pure’ as such, but we find them to be a beneficial training aid which assists us to work toward our goal.

When it comes to literature, I have tried to either pre-read everything or I go on the advice and recommendations of trusted and respected friends and other parents of whom I know their worldview. This doesn’t always work though. I once took the advice of a friend and allowed ‘Miss A’ to read a book that went against my initial promptings but my friend felt it was suitable for her son and encouraged me to read (a whole ‘nother topic) Once ‘Miss A’ started narrating it to me, I was horrified! Shocked! It introduced concepts that we hadn’t discussed yet… I knew we would discuss them one day but I wanted to be the one to introduce her to those concepts, not a secular author and their worldview. Oh, a battle raged within my own self. Do I stop her reading the rest of the book, and possibly turn her heart against sharing with me or do I allow her to read it but spend a good deal of time in discussion? I chose to do the latter and we actually had some good conversations and many opportunities were raised for me to share our thoughts and views of the world. For me, narration is good but discussion is the best!

Raising children to be kids or adults? The end goal?

We are raising our children to become mature adults. Yet they will live in a time and era like has never been before. This new age of technology and progression opens a whole world of issues such has never occurred in history before. Our children have a task ahead of them that we cannot even begin to comprehend! Oh the strength needed, the responsibility…Whilst we wish to preserve our children’s innocence, this can often mean that they are grown to adulthood yet ignorant. I’m not convinced that this is the best way to raise a child who is required to live in the world. Boys need to develop in strength and character, firmness and masculinity…how do we work toward that? Some thing in life just happen! We can’t shield them from everything and sometimes literature (or well chosen television shows) can be a good way to introduce those hard or difficult concepts to a young person. (In fact, it is here that I may lose some readers) Science fiction can be good for tackling these type of ethical, moral and social issues in an ‘otherworld‘ setting. Yes, in real life people are tortured, have their eyes gouged out; people do get raped and murdered, run over by cars, commit fornication, etc. (Goodness, I’d have to rip out quite a few pages in their Bible if I didn’t have them reading about the evil acts in the world) In our house, we don’t avoid talking about those things- we discuss them openly as then we are able to teach the children our values and God’s standards and thoughts about it all. But this is part of our ‘innocence not necessarily ignorance plan‘. Are we right? I don’t know. Time will tell. I might not see the fruits of my parenting until I see how my children parent their own children.

I have thought a lot over the last few months about the difference between ignorant and innocent. I will paraphrase but Webster defines ignorant as:

Destitute of knowledge; uninstructed or uninformed; untaught; unenlightened.

and it defines innocent as:

Free from guilt; not having done wrong or violated any law; not tainted with sin; pure; upright.

Offence or defence? Is there a balance?

As a softballer I use analogies that parallel with my sport. When I am coaching a team, it is important the team learns how to bat well and run the bases. This is our offensive game. We spend a lot of time training in this area. We also spend a lot of time in defense… practicing set strategic plays to defend the opposition’s offensive game. I also spend some time in watching and studying the opposing teams. Sometimes, I will send charters over to watch their games and chart the strong or influential players- looking for their strengths and weaknesses. This is an important part of my role as coach. It is necessary that I am aware of their style of play so that I can teach my own team in the ways of suitable defence. As a coach, I cannot afford to be ignorant of the tactics that the other team may use. On the other hand, I don’t need to over stress about them either. This could lead to our own team being ill prepared due to focussing on the other team rather than preparing ourselves offensively and defensively.

I guess it’s a little like that for me with parenting. My children will one day be Out There in the world, without me to help them or make decision for them. I don’t want them to be ill prepared…I want them to be equipped to stand firm in their beliefs and convictions. To do this, I think they need to be aware of the pitfalls and the subtleties of them, else it be easy for them to fall. However, I also want them to be free from the guilt of such things…I don’t desire that they engage in the sinful activities. This is the best way I can try to explain what I mean when I say that part of our parenting plan is to train in innocence not necessarily ignorance. We are raising our children to live in the world yet not be of the world.

Building immunity

I wonder if I can push the limits by talking about another (yet also imperfect) analogy. Knowing that our children will one day be Out There in the world, I also know that they will be exposed to chicken pox and other nasty infections. When they were little, I didn’t put them into a sterile, glass bubble to protect them from all possible infection. Instead, I allowed them to build immunities to low-level pathogens whilst in their environment. Sometimes, they got sick. (Most of my children have had chicken pox). However, by building up their immune system, when they are older and are confronted with more serious possible infections, they will be better prepared to defend themselves. If you know your children will be one day in the world, needing to make decisions for themselves, how are you inoculating them? Are your methods guiding them toward maturity and responsibility, so that they will be capable of making their own wise choices when bombarded by the ways of the world?

Having said all that, I am careful with what our children read and watch. I like to know the worldview or philosophy of the author (not that I have to agree but I need to know so that I can tackle it). I like to know the details of the book. From what position does the author write- for/against? If I’m in doubt, I will pre-read it. If I don’t get time, I’ll research it on the Internet. If I don’t get around to that, I will search the homeschool catalogues and ask on homeschool forums for a review. If I still come up empty-handed, I will err on the side of caution and put the book/movie on the back burner till later.

For your obedience is known to all, so that I rejoice over you, but I want you to be wise as to what is good and innocent as to what is evil.
Romans 16:19

I do want to reiterate that we don’t blindly allow our children to watch, read, discuss or study sinful or worldly ideas. We are careful in what we choose to expose them to.

If we make every decision for our [older] children, then how is this training them to make wise choices? Sometimes, allowing a child to make a decision which may not be the best, yet in the loving guidance of the family home, can be turned around to achieve some benefit. It can also allow them to develop a sense of responsibility after all, they will not always be under our authority. Are we training them to always be under our authority or to one day be self governed? Some people say that experience is the best teacher. Well, whether or not that is true is beyond the scope of this post but I know I would rather my children learn responsibility in decisions and learn about the world through the controlled ways of literature in our home than by personal experience via immersion once they are adults. That is a rockier and longer path to travel.

If, after reading this, anyone has any questions, please ask me to clarify or send an email. I don’t want to think that I would be encouraging anyone to think that we are careless or thoughtless about our parenting approach.

As always, seek first the Kingdom of God.

Course Requirements for History Program Using Living Books

I managed to creep into the deep, dark recesses of my computer to find the Course Requirements that I compiled for my high school children.

• Complete one essay in-depth (biographical, comparative,changing over time, or question based essay) from each group of three lessons, per week. (Ensure that student covers all forms of report/essay)
• Read two relevant/appropriate books per term. (One book must be either primary source or classic, depending upon availability. (see Mum for high school booklist)) Submit a written book report, book synopsis or chapter reports for each book.
• Submit 2 – 3 projects (either assignments or choices from MoH or HoW)
• Maintain history timeline. Complete any mapping exercises as per course book.
• One page essay per term, in preparation for exam.
• Take tests/quizzes/worksheets as prescribed in course book.
• Take term exam.
• Take yearly exam.
• Watch appropriate video’s, documentaries or shows and discuss.

This allows the students to read for understanding and knowledge. They read quality literature as well as learning to write in in various forms. Creative and individual activities are also catered for.

High School – Learner Permit

We have one child entering the High School Years and so we have our “L” plates on. ‘A’ is, at present, 14years old; nearly 15. As we have moved from state to state in the last 4 years, we have come to see that she could be in either 9, 10 or 11 this year (2006). However, this doesn’t really apply to us as we don’t follow a school system and grades. With all of our children, there are some subjects that they would be ‘ahead’ of grade level and other subjects that they would be ‘behind’ in. Nevertheless, the children are progressing, and that is what is important to us. That and more importantly, relationships.

If you’re anything like me, you might feel a sense of fear at the mere thought of homeschooling through high school. We haven’t followed a ‘school system’ or guidelines for a few years now and I didn’t want to start now…so what to do? How to do it? Argh…I was starting to feel a little panicked about the upcoming High School years. I didn’t feel that I was at all qualified to teach some subjects, so how would I manage? What about the all important Higher School Certificate or HSC? What about exposure to all those ‘other’ subjects and experiences? Well, I did what I usually do when I need to learn something new- I read as much as I can…I talk to others who have been there…and I talk to those who are within the system.

What was I so panicked about high school? What is it that seems to suddenly change once a student hits Yr 9-10? I don’t think there is a sudden change at any particular age or grade. Rather, I think that there have been many changes taking place over the years as the child is going from absorbing information and processing it, to then learning how to effectively communicate their own thoughts, ideas and opinions. Actually, I’m learning that my children have a much better idea of what education is all about than what I do! I guess this is because I have been indoctrinated from my own experiences at school whereas my children are home-based-learners. They don’t have someone telling them that they MUST learn this right now…in this certain way. Actually, the more I read and learn about all this, the more I’m convinced that I’m now getting to the easier part. Well, maybe not easier but I don’t think it will be the fear factor that I first imagined.

In the earlier years we have tried to put a *feast* before our children, so that they could sample a variety of subjects. Even though, the children don’t hate a subject, we can soon see an area that they delight in learning more about. This is now the time that we encourage a slightly more formal study of that area while using that subject to teach more formal aspects of English. eg: essay writing, etc.

We believe that discipleship is still more important than academics during the high school years. Other aspects that I try to bear in mind is their character- without the habit of attention it can be difficult to apply oneself to any type of formal study. Can I use some lesson time to develop character trait and positive habits? Well, I do use copywork as handwriting practice but it is also an exercise in producing one’s best work. Dictation can be useful for developing the habit of attention, as can be narration. Maths lessons can be a way to reinforce diligence. As the higher school years approach I was able to look at my child and assess their weak areas. Yep, we all have them! I was able to research and discover the most efficient? resources that would enable my child to catch up to a level where we could easily then continue to plod along. Sometimes, we’ve put other studies on the back-burner while we focused our attention on building that particular skill or subject.

In our home so far, high school years are a time for us to really get close to the child – to encourage, guide and nurture and instruct…to disciple them…to encourage them to love God, develop good habits (self discipline) and to love to learn. We are still quite relaxed at home, even during these years. I still believe that children need lots of time- free, unstructured time for them to think- to think on ideas, to think upon things that interest them rather than fill their minds with too much knowledge. So far, this approach has led our 14year old daughter to be quite a deep thinker and she is quite self disciplined.

To me, it doesn’t matter how many books or courses the child/student has read, especially if their heart isn’t in it. It is less about curriculum or resources and more about relationships and the heart. My child has to come first, not what the world may or may not think of her. Sometimes, I’ve felt like I’ve pushed her a little or I plan a course of study that isn’t a good fit for her…and so, I’ve had to look at myself and truly examine my own motivation for this behaviour. Is it to impress the secular world? The homeschool community? Family? Friends? Me? But, is it for the child?

But what about the gaps?

What about ‘Gapitis‘? Surely I can’t teach my child everything he will need to know? That’s right, I can’t and I won’t. Gee, I’m still learning everyday, in different ways. I love learning and had to realise that not only that I won’t be able to teach and cover everything but that I don’t want to. I want my child to learn and experience things for themselves once they get older. I’ve done that too, and it’s exciting! I see myself less as a teacher and more as a facilitator of learning.
Well, these are my humble thoughts as we enter the Upper Years of homeschooling.