John is away for work. He may be away for approximately 10 weeks out of the next 16 weeks. We will miss him like crazy…and I just hope and pray that nothing too technical breaks down on our servers, but we’ll manage. I’m not particularly fazed or scared about him being away so much.
Except.
Except in one area. Those who know me in real life, or have followed my blog for awhile may guess as to my area of concern…which also led to my previous post where I voiced this concern about parenting from grace or law. Not that the two can be separated (imbalance is always the result) but my concern is the daily living. The practical reality of everyday life when it is not perfect or ideal.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
There was a time when I was verbally and physically abrasive. I despised that about myself. I also inherited those traits as learned behaviour and I wanted to break that vicious cycle. So, I set about identifying my triggers. Once identified I became proactive in ordering my lifestyle and habits so as to avoid these triggers as much as possible. Yes sadly, I still need to be controlled by externals in some areas of my life. However, by the grace of God, He is doing a work in me and the things He has taught me have helped me to avoid being abusive toward the ones I love. The problem with external controls is that when they are removed or not in place for various reasons, then self control must take over or all hell breaks loose. I live with a situation that is a huge trigger for me. Much of it is allayed by the fact that I am under my husband’s authority and so he handles much of the situation which is a trigger for me. But when he goes away, he trusts me and delegates full authority to me.
I am not scared of the person. I’m scared of myself. I have seen myself in action and it is not pretty. It is harmful. It can be devastating. I am weak. I will be clinging to 2 Cor 12:9-10
Getting back to my previous post: I like to set fairly rigid rules for our family to live by when John isn’t at home. Problem is, we don’t have too many rules normally. As an example, sometimes, I’ll send the children to bed at 9.30pm and other times it will be midnight. There is never any fuss- this is part of how we practically live by grace. But one child cannot live that way. This child needs a concrete line drawn in the sand. Without it, the child simply will not go to bed at all. Even when the line is drawn, they will push, and push and push- nagging, whining, yelling, screaming: doing anything necessary to *win* (as seen in their eyes).
We parent using natural consequences. If one would like to wear clean clothes on Tuesday, then one will need to wash on Monday. Right? Fair enough? If one does not put them in the laundry or wash them for themselves, then they will not be ready. No, I will NOT run down to the store and buy some brand new socks! No, you may not use my socks. You will have to live with the consequences of your own actions. Harsh? maybe…but fair. However, there is one child who refuses to accept this way of life. Simply and point blank refuses.
So with John not home, the only way I know how to cope is to set firm rules and we all live by them. However, it is really quite draining and hard to live by rules all the time. I find it sucks the very life-joy from me. I know not everyone feels this way but in this situation, I do. We have lived by our Family Ways before and most of us can do it…but it’s wearing. It’s wearing because there is only one who sets out to make it very difficult. Hence my dilemma of what to do and who to do it. I do not want to be broken to the point where I resort to past behaviour. I am weak. I am not strong, like some women have mistakenly believed about me. In fact, I’m not even nice. I can be horrible. I need God’s grace. I need His peace. And I need Him to be very real in my life throughout the coming months.
I know God will help me. I know He will be with me. With all my pro activeness and practising of self control, can I, without God, do that which is commanded of me? Can I submit my flesh, to God? Will I ever be at the point where this ‘thorn in my flesh’ will be able to be used for my own good…let alone God’s glory?
Oh Susan,
Are you sure that child hasn’t escaped?? I have one here too!! LOL
Why is it that with two of my children you can ask them to do something ONCE and off they go and do it. With the other, you can ask FIFTY times and still it’s not done, until Mum jumps up and down and yells and rants and only then do we think about perhaps getting up and doing what we are asked.
I really struggle too with being “nice” – I know the fruits of the spirit and I know how I want to behave, but so help me this particular child pushes my buttons and I find it so very hard to deal with the child and the behaviour and resulting issues.
Perhaps God gives us these children to teach us – more about ourselves than them?!!
I don’t have any answers … just want to let you know you are not alone, and I totally understand about trying to parent those particular children on your own!!!
Hugs,
Fee xx
Dear Susan, I so agree with Fee…..Susan; sweet Woman of God
I think your strength is that you are weak………that is what people like about you….
Your burden’s are heavy almost crushing, this is your catapult into God’s arms…….this is why people love you, listen to you, respond to you and respect you
Every woman I know that has been respected loved and listened to have thrown themselves in desperation on the Lord…..there is no other way, this is resurrection, this is life
Whoever falls on that stone will be broken; but on whomever it falls, it will grind him to powder.” Luke 20:18
There is no life and resurrection power when you are crushed to powder, so we must fall on Him and be broken, therein is life…..this why people love you, you are real!!
I remember years ago listening to a preacher at the beginning of a controversial move of God, he spoke of Christians being as mean as Junk-yard Dogs and that it ought not be. He was right and honest…….I do not think you are alone, in fact I know you are not. I have dents in my teeth clenching them in suppressed anger (yes true…..transparent here!! :devil: ) Whoooo Hooooo 😐
I think if we are all really honest like you are, we all in certain circumstances and situations have a BUTTON, when pushed explodes…..we have nothing but Jesus, if we think have more that that I believe we are deceived. Without Him we are stinking and nasty and full of dead men’s bones……throw yourself on the Rock, lest the rock crush you. Keep going I am believing for breakthrough with you IN ALL THINGS.
Your Sister in God
Cathy
Oh dear Susan! I know how you feel……..I really do!
My mum was a shouter, gosh could she shout!! I swore I would never be like that but as a young mum I spent a lot of time shouting. I am pleased to say that over the years as I grew in my faith and grew as a person, the shouting stopped! I am not perfect though and certain children bring out the worst in me! My beautiful daughter, Jess, is 21 now but from the age of 9 till she left home was interesting to say the least! She literally brought out the very worst in me. I tried staying calm tried reasoning, discipline but no…….she always managed to provoke me to the point of no return! I said things that I wish I hadn’t said, scared all the other children as they looked out of their bedroom doors with trepidation, it was horrible! Yet dad, dad could do no wrong! He stayed calm, remained strong and she listened and obeyed straight away! In the end I learned to keep my mouth shut and let dad take control. I just couldn’t handle her! Now she is married she and I are the best of friends. I can’t believe she is the same girl that sent me grey at an early age!
My darling 13 year old son is my newest opponent! I have learned from Jess and try to remain calm but authoritative. It doesn’t always work……last night I “blew” and was heard to say “You drive me bloo….y mad”. I was reminded of my mistake as my five year old came to say goodnight and said, “mum, Michael is a bloo….y….. pain to you isn’t he” ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! talk about hitting me in the face.
Parenting…………such fun!
Jacqui
I take heart from your story…one of my dc has been my constant challenge…things are much better now that she is an older teen, but after reading your story I’m hoping that things will be better again when she is older and moved out of home….which could be a long time coming as she has set her sights on a university degree…the type which can take 4-5 years to finish…she’ll be home for a while to come!!!!
xx