I am a homeschool phony.
Or rather that was how I felt. About five years ago one of my daughters approached me and asked THAT question. You know the one… that one question that can evoke more emotions than I care to count: hurt, fear, anger, sadness, a sense of betrayal…
Boom. Boom. Boom.
How could such a question come from MY child’s mouth? Surely if she understood how much sacrificed, how much I’ve invested into her she wouldn’t be able to ask THAT question. Surely?
But she did. And not once. Not twice. Repeatedly.
You know the question, don’t you? I’m sure I’m not the only one who used to dread it.
“Can I go to school”?
How can those five little words carry so much weight?
[I wouldn’t have minded so much if it were my decision (remember me- the control freak?) but.. but.. but..that’s another story for another time]
So to cut a long story short, this beloved daughter eventually trooped off to school. It’s been a few years now and I’ve had lots of time to ponder why my reaction was so deeply emotive. There is no one reason. It’s not that simple. It is enough to say that along with the fear, anger and hurt were also issues of pride. Oh my, what would people say? Would they be shocked? Surprised? Would they look sideways with that knowing glance that shouts, “I knew it wouldn’t last”? Oh dear, what would other homeschoolers think? Have we let the homeschooling community down?
A few years later and I can honestly say that only some of my initial feelings were valid. Most of them were selfish and sinful. And God has been revealing them to me- showing me the ways in which I tried to camouflage and hide them. But they can’t be hidden from God. And honestly, we do nobody any favours when we try… least of the very parents that we often want to help the most.
Fast forward a few years and here I sit… still homeschooling my younger two children (The eldest has graduated. She is now 19). I am so thankful for the opportunity to be at home with my children and to have contributed to the AussieHomeschool community. I love homeschooling! I believe in it! Can you tell? However, there are so many myths that surround homeschooling. I don’t mean the average, run-of-the-mill myths that society believes. I mean the myths that we (as homeschoolers) buy into. We buy into them because we want what we believe it will deliver. And, like many people who invest greatly into something, we will work hard to justify that investment. But in doing so we can hurt each other by perpetuating the myths. It has to stop. We have to stop. We’re hurting our own.
As a parent with a child who has been to school I have seen all kinds of parents. Most parents I have met all have one thing in common. They all want the best for their children! But school parents have one thing that we (as homeschool parents) do not. One thing that we can learn from. They are not afraid to share the turmoils. They don’t seem to be afraid of other parents. They don’t have an overwhelming sense of judgment and condemnation from their fellow parents. I envy that.
As I have shared about my teen’s rebellion and difficulties I have had many others share with me privately. And let me tell you, there are heaps of Christian, homeschool parents who are going through similar things with their teens but they are scared to speak it out loud. They often thank me for doing so… but they fear the condemnation and sense of judgment and it prevents them from sharing about it! How sad is this? How wrong is this?
Not everyone travels a rocky path with their teen. My 19yo daughter transitioned from childhood to puberty to adulthood with only a few potholes along the way. She has fully accepted Christ as her Lord and Saviour and is a lifelong learner. My two boys? Ask me again in a few years. 😉 However, I know that everyone’s journey is different and that’s the way it should be. There is no one right way to homeschool. There is no one perfect example of a homeschool student. It’s a myth. One of many.
Not everyone wants to share their journey. I get that. But I am a sharer. I love to share. But I have wrestled with sharing my journey as it affects more than just me. It affects the child and all the others in the family as well. I’m not about to start going into graphic details. No one needs details… I just want to be honest about our ups and down of the homeschooling journey (and the parenting journey). I don’t want to wear a mask or a protective, flame-retardant suit. Then again, I’m not about to be stark naked either- after all, this is a public blog open to all.
So there you have it. For a few years I felt like a homeschool phony. It truly knocked my confidence. But a few things have happened since the beginning but since learning that many of my previous beliefs were ‘homeschool myths’ I don’t feel like a phony anymore. I am free.
Thank you, Susan, for this post. I wasn’t aware (I’m still new to this) that homeschooling parents were so afraid to share their struggles. I suppose we (all homeschoolers) stick ourselves out on such a limb (this *is* best for my child), we feel we have to always be succeeding to then justify what we’re doing. You’re right, it *is* sad.
Here’s to a more (more than we have already) supportive, more sharing and less judgmental community of homeschoolers.
Hi Rebecca, Thanks for popping by! The new wave of homeschoolers (those who have been hsing for a few years) are more likely to share the ups and downs I have noticed. Overall, I believe that the new homeschoolers are more confident in their own decisions, for some reason. Maybe this confidence rubs off. I don’t know but it’s a good thing 🙂
Posts like this are why I love your blog.
You are so wise, my friend. That’s why I love you!! Thanks for sharing the hurts as well as the good stuff. I, for one, appreciate you all the more for doing so.
Hi Jeanne,
Always lovely to have you pop in. Although I’m not sure I agree with you. I’m not wise. Surely a wise woman would have been able to post this post years ago… but God knew I still needed some heart surgery 😉
I don’t think we should always share the negatives and the down sides, just a little more balance would be good. It would make people feel like they’re not quite so alone when things do go a little astray. Whilst I have this ‘need to share’ I know that not everyone does and this can often make them feel even more alone and isolated.
Bless you!
Yes, I love blogs that are up front and real, too.
I have said many times how thankful I am to be part of a very large home school community. I have lots of real life friends travelling the same path. We see one another, each others homes, and children warts and all. We can encourage each other. I have also mentioned my own wayward ones and know how I have struggled with all the same doubts and fears.
You know, I have a post which has sat in my drafts for over a year related to the condemnation I have felt at times having homeschooled kids who are not performing at a high level. I have never posted it (but read and edit it regularly 🙂 because I see a bitter spirit in my words. I keep trying to modify it but I don’t think it will ever be published. Other home schoolers CAN be judgemental and it hurts. We all need to be sure in our own minds and be right with God about these things.
Glad you’ve accepted it all tho the stage of being able to post about it. You’re doing a great job!!! and thanks for all you do for the HS community at large.
hi Ruby,
Hehee I KWYM. I have way too many drafts sitting in my blog folder… they’re just not ready to be published yet as God has some work to do in me yet. Like you, maybe some of these posts never will be published but that’s okay… it’s quite therapeutic to write. Not everything has to be publicly published eh?
Susan,
Very thought provoking and very honest{{}}
This year we seriously considered sending our dd to school for Grade 11, and I realised I had to wrestle with alot of pride about letting go and control, issues I wasn’t even aware I had. She was given the choice (very hard to let go to get to that point) in the end she decided No.
There are myths, I agree, our children play team sports with many children in our community, and I would agree the vast majority of parents want the best for their children.
Hi Erin,
We have considered sending our sons to school for their Upper Years and honestly, if it is the best thing for them then we won’t have an issue with it. But it has taken me a few years to get to that point.
When my daughter asked to go to school I grieved- mourned for the loss of dreams that would never eventuate- yet God has shown me that they were fleshly dreams, filled with pride, all about *me*. Naturally, not everyone goes through this, in fact the majority quite possibly do not. But there was so much stuff that I had to let go of.
I’m constantly reminded of the quote that I post regularly, by Marilyn Howshall:
“God’s initial goal for Christian homeschooling families is not the raising of godly children. Instead, God’s wonderful, but subtly hidden agenda is that the homeschooling experience be so challenging for the parents that they feel the need and hunger for a closer walk with their heavenly Father.”
Hi Susan
Thanks for sharing – the balanced way you share. I would love to hear what you see as the other myths we get sucked into. It is a very valid concern.
Hi Belinda, Thanks for stopping by. It’s always a pleasure 🙂
There are many myths, aren’t there? And many of the myths depend on how closely we are aligned to particular support groups. There are some homeschool teaching approaches that seem to purport more myths than others…although I certainly don’t think that anyone sets out to do this intentionally. Sadly, I think that Christian homeschoolers also fall for these myths, which I’d like to explore further but I also need to have a right motivation and heart attitude before I can post. KWIM? Hehee, maybe in about ten years I’ll be able to write about it 😉
Susan, I applaud you! I am finding that there are many myths in homeschooling circles that are busted as they say on Mythbusters (I’m surrounded by males!). There has been a season in churches that we have gone around with masks on saying, “we are fine!” while inside we are crying out to say, “I am not fine!” I can see a change happening in the body of Christ towards grace and authenticity. I hope this spills over into the homeschooling circles. I pray that we can be open and honest about our struggles with homeschooling and support each other – not condemn each other. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Can’t wait to have coffee with you one day…one day!
Susan, thanks for this post. It’s posts like these and reading other stuff that have helped us decide that we are going to h/s our dd as long as the grace is there to do it / it’s working / we’re all coping well etc etc etc and I freely share this with all that ask me “how long I’m going to h/s her for”:)
So, even though in my heart I’d like to h/s my dd all the way, I need to keep an open mind about sending her to school if and when that happens and it’s thanks largely to those like you that have shared so openly with all of us:)
I think most parents, to one degree or another, are inclined to hide their disappointments when a child doesn’t follow the ideal path that we have mapped out for them. A child who “doesn’t quite follow our life plan” is often a cause for people to look and wonder what the parents did wrong, and in the case of the homeschool parent, I think the double whammy is that (non-homeschooling) people think they know what the parents did wrong 😛
Personally, this would give me a disinclination to share if I were struggling with teens. (Ya, I know that’s pride – but …shrugs..) In the homeschooling world, where a soul might hope for a little more compassion from our own kind, there is a remarkably similar process of judging a person’s parenting.
OH… you use educational/parenting philosophy XYZ? Really? And you don’t think you’re harming your child?
Or…
What?? You DON’T use educational/parenting philosophy XYZ? Really? And you don’t think you’re ruining your child’s life?
People are the same in and out of the church, in and out of homeschooling, and the bottom line is that while you may sometimes meet with compassion and understanding, many folk want your difficulty to be something that comes down to not following the formula that they are following, or being too strict, or being to lenient, or too religious, or not religious enough, or …. something! Because then they can feel safe. If it’s random – it could happen to them.
I hope I’m not coming across as too jaded and disillusioned! But I’ve spoken to you before about a circumstance in our family that makes it possible to relate to yours – and I’ve seen so many, many people sit back and say that if only XYZ approach had been taken, things would have turned out differently. As if sinful man can produce holiness in sinful man at will! (not that I want to debate total depravity just now.. but still..)
Ah, sorry Our Susan. I know I’m not just wandering, but fully galloping into rant mode. Sigh. I did promise myself I would not comment on blogs and forums when I need to sleep… so many resolutions, so little resolve!
It’s good to hear you post on this. xx
Dear Susan,
I can totally relate to the condemnation that we feel when we send our children to school. It was not until I had one in school that I was forced to assess some of the dependence that I had on my xyz formula rather than having a faith filled approach.
When I sent my son to school (I made it happen) I felt like a phony also. I took about a 6 months to shake of the guilt.
I heard a great christian myth buster statement the other day. Adam and Eve were bought up in the most perfect environment that anyone could hope for. They knew God face to face–yet they still rebelled.
Smiles
Michelle
I haven’t visited your blog for a while Susan … always lovely to drop in and catch up on your thought provoking posts.
I’m not so sure that the phenomenon of which you write is only homeschooling parents – I think it affects school parents too. It more has to do with the fact that children (eventually) start to exert their own free will (some earlier than others!) and that parents have to face the fact that the children actually do have their own opinions and ideas about what they want to do with their own life. The difficulty as a parent is being able to recognise that you need to let go and allow things to happen which perhaps aren’t what YOU planned … and that it’s OK to do that.
Mrs BB is right – everybody always has an opinion about why “little Johnny” is turning out the way he is – and most often it’s a finger pointed at the parents, the choices they have made, blah blah. But perhaps it’s just that “little Johnny” was always going to be that way and do those things, no matter what his parents did or said?
Homeschooling isn’t perfect, nor is school – but each family makes decisions as to what is right for THEM at any specific time, and perhaps what is right for one child isn’t right for the other 2 or 3 or 10? 🙂 Of course that is easy to write, but not to easy to live – having been there, done that!
I greatly appreciate your ability to write honestly and openly about your experiences whilst still being sensitive to your family. Thank you for being you!
Love,
Fee x
Hi Fee, It’s always lovely to have you pop by 🙂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts. xoxox
So so true! I’m learning this as my son is turning 14 this month EEK! He’s bright, intelligent , and is a super avid reader, and knows his bible very well. People even call him the next spurgen. People even praise me for his theological genius at such a young age. But…I am the one that lives with him everyday. And not to long ago we got in trouble with our HS group because the expectation on my son was raised super high because of the “knowledge” he has in Gods word…he should have known better, and he should be practicing what he preaches. But, I knew better than that, because again, I live with him, and he’s only thirteen. Your gonna see sin in someone sooner or later. But during the time that my rebellious theologian that I love, was going through the ring of fire, I had to give him to God, because the kid is Gods. Just recently my son said something that would knock the socks off all the bar raising. And you know what…I couldn’t do anything about it but pray, and continue to love him unconditionally, and pray for a huge amount of thick skin. I can only do so much, but I will pray like crazy, because these teen years and the mind of their own is scary. I just wish we can all see our kidoes, and everyone else’s through the eyes of Jesus and his understanding.
Preach it sister! (And welcome to my little corner of the Internetz)
I always tell people, ” home school is not the way, the truth, and the life, Jesus is” I was just sharing with my oldest son, that I don’t want to be identified as a home school mom, I want to be identified as a Christian. I told him, that we cling so easily to ministry identification, that it becomes who we are, when we are NOTHING! The Lord did this
Phl 2:7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
Paul the apostle did this
Phl 3:3 and have no confidence in the flesh.3:4Though I might also have confidence in the flesh. If any other man thinketh that he hath whereof he might trust in the flesh, I more: 3:7 But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.
seriously we have failed big time. And time and time again. But I have to continue to remind myself that I’m not home schooling for people, but for the Lord. People have even told me that my child will rebel, and I just tell them, ” I’m not going to worry about tomorrow, and if that happens, the Lord will be with me still, like He is now, faithful to get me through anything that he’s allowed down the pipe” all that we need to know is Christ an Christ crucified. Brokenness can come in all shapes and sizes, and that’s where God wants us. Humility, so we can identify with other broken people who go through things that we have been through with God. To comfort those who may be going through the turbulent teen years, or to encourage someone who has a prodigal. I’v seen wayward homeschoolers, and wayward public schoolers, but I’v also seen solid homeschoolers and solid public schoolers, both from solid Christian homes, mixed, children that follow and some siblings don’t, or all kids follow the lord. But I will say that I have been to houses where the kids were aloud to watch MTV, horror movies, listen to secular music, and date at very young age, and theses were home school families. You can give your kids an excuse not to follow God. But for the family that has boundaries. Wether their kids follow or not, they can at least stand before the Lord and know that they did all that they could with the Lords help, to guide their child, wether homeschooled or public schooled. Not that we tried to be perfect, but that we even tried at all.